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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Having more money and less free time is better than earning less money and having more free time. Discuss both views and state your opinion.

#money #time
Some
people
 think that more
money
 and less leisure
time
 is better than making a little bit
money
Change preposition
of money
show examples
 and more free
time
. In my point of view,
most
Add an article
the most
show examples
 important thing
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
here is
people
's lifestyles because
while
 working a
lot
 is a really stressful thing for some
people
, for others it can be not a very concerning thing. The primary
reason
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that some
people
 are choosing working so hard in their lives
because
Add a missing verb
is because
show examples
 seeing their potential
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
as well as
 the
money
 that they earn
at the end
 makes them feel stronger and confident in life.
For example
, my uncle is the most hardworking person that I have ever seen, he just
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
2 week
Add a hyphen
2-week
show examples
 vacation in a year but it is not a big deal for him because in these 2
weeks
Add a comma
weeks,
show examples
 he
lives
Verb problem
has
show examples
 the best adventures and
miserible
Correct your spelling
miserable
 experiences of his life. Since
,
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apply
show examples
this
 holiday is enough for him
anually
Correct your spelling
annually
 because he knows how to spend his
time
 enjoyfully.
Secondly
, there are
also
 some individuals that
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
need little breaks
temperory
Correct your spelling
temporary
 in their lives,
otherwise
, they get stressed a
lot
 and it
cause
Replace the word
causes
show examples
 depression which is the main
reason
 for not being productive enough in their work.
Moreover
,
this
 lifestyle
suitable
Add a missing verb
is suitable
show examples
 for them so, they don't have any problem with earning
small
Add an article
a small
show examples
 amount of
money
 because
main
Add an article
the main
show examples
reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 their happiness is
lots
 of free
time
.
For example
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
questionary
Correct your spelling
questionnaire
show examples
 in some universities in my country shows that
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of students in these universities
planning
Wrong verb form
plan
show examples
 to have a lifestyle which consists
lots
Change preposition
of lots
show examples
 of breaks, small
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
travels
Fix the agreement mistake
travel
show examples
 and so on, rather than working all day. The main
reason
 for that which many of them conclude was their family. They said that their family members, especially their parents work a
lot
 but they can not find enough happiness or excitement in their home
however
 they are financially stable and have enough
money
for travelling
Change preposition
to travel
show examples
lots
Change preposition
to lots
show examples
 of places. All in all, I think everybody
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to understand what they really want in their life and which lifestyle is
mos
Correct your spelling
most
 suitable for them and their family.
Because for
Correct word choice
For
show examples
 some working a
lot
 and earning
lots
 of
money
 can be the best way
for living
Change preposition
to live
show examples
,
while
 it can be like
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
torture for others.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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coherence cohesion
Try to proofread your essay in order to eliminate grammatical errors and enhance the overall readability. You have some small inaccuracies that could be easily fixed.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph contributes a clear, cohesive idea to support your argument. Some sentences in your essay could be better connected for improved coherence.
task achievement
Add more concrete examples and explanations to your supporting points. This will help in illustrating your ideas more thoroughly.
task achievement
Clarify your main argument in the introduction and conclusion. While your essay does well in having both, your main viewpoint should be a bit more emphasized.
content
Your essay shows a good understanding of both perspectives related to the topic of money versus free time. You provided examples to support each viewpoint.
structure
You have structured your essay with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which adds to the readability and flow of your text.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial security
  • facilitating
  • lifestyle
  • professional development
  • increased stress
  • work-life balance
  • hobbies
  • quality time
  • physical and mental health
  • financial constraints
  • luxury items
  • overall well-being
  • personal growth
  • middle ground
  • sacrificing
What to do next:
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