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Band 4.5

some people belive that public health that government duties but some people believe that is own health for everyone. Discuss both of views

#people #belive #health #government #duties
Keeping healthcare is very important for
everyone
 because of basic and necessary to become liable to
everyone
.
However
, the
government
 should give good
services
 for public
health
 so can
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
health
services
 needs. Good service for public
health
 depends on how the
government
 can
Add a missing verb
be concern
show examples
concern
Replace the word
concerned
show examples
 and commit to
health
 issues. The first point about law and public policy
due to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that are
Government
 duties. All of the
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
very
Add a missing verb
are very
show examples
 influential for society. For
examples
Fix the agreement mistake
example
show examples
 are assurance of course only
Government
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
can develop dan set the price or free like BPJS (Social Security Organisation) from the Ministry of
Health
 is divided
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 some
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
,
start
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 free for poor
people
 and paid class.
Secondly
, public hospitals and medicine are definitely from
Government
Correct article usage
the Government
show examples
 to keep
development
Replace the word
developing
show examples
 both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
services
 and quality from other supporting aspects. But, in case still much in poor countries or developing countries
not
Add a missing verb
do not
show examples
 yet give more
health
 education to the citizens so
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 negative
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 like inappropriate drug consumption. Not only that, in some areas still gap
health
Change preposition
in health
show examples
services
such
 as
health
services
 are far away in villages but not in cities.
On the other hand
, public
health
also
 depends on
everyone
 because it becomes an obligation to keep healthy. Every
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 can maintain
health
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 keeping a diet. Not only that some
people
 already consume carbohydrates, protein, minerals and vitamins but less exercise
also
 has a bad effect on
health
.
There for
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
, every
people
Fix the agreement mistake
person
show examples
 should attention to
health
 conditions.
However
,
citizents
Correct your spelling
citizens
also
depends
Correct subject-verb agreement
depend
show examples
 on the
Government
 like get
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
good access and
services
 so can
give solving
Wrong verb form
solve
show examples
 problems about all
illness
Fix the agreement mistake
illnesses
show examples
. In my opinion, both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Government
 and society have to
collaboration
Replace the word
collaborate
show examples
such
 as the
Government
give
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
 good
services
 and
everyone
keep
Wrong verb form
keeping
show examples
 healthy.
Submitted by writingbersama on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a reasonable response to the task, presenting both sides of the argument. However, the introduction could be more clearly defined and the conclusion could be stronger and more succinct. Perhaps you could start by explaining why public health is a critical issue and summarizing the two main viewpoints before delving into details.
coherence cohesion
The logical flow of your ideas is fairly clear, but there are a few areas where sentences and paragraphs could be better connected. You might consider using more cohesive devices (e.g., 'Moreover,' 'In addition,' 'Therefore,' etc.) to improve the overall flow.
task achievement
Your main points are generally supported, but there is room for deeper analysis and more specific examples. Try to provide more detailed reasoning and examples to back up your points, which will make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The use of language is generally clear, though there are some grammatical errors and awkward phrases that occasionally impede understanding. Revising sentences for clarity and correctness would greatly improve readability.
coherence cohesion
The essay would benefit from stronger topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly convey the main idea. Additionally, ensuring that each paragraph sticks closely to its main idea will help improve coherence.
task achievement
Your essay addresses both views on the topic and provides a balanced discussion.
task achievement
You have made an effort to support your main points with relevant examples, such as mentioning BPJS (Social Security Organisation).
task achievement
Your essay shows a clear understanding of the importance of both governmental and individual roles in public health.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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