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Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think children’s spending time on TV, video and PC games is good,while others think it is bad. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #children’s #time #tv #video #pc #games
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It is thought by some people that allowing young people to spend their time on
entertainment
such
 as TV, videos and PC
games
 is an awesome idea
while
 others believe it will bring a lot of downsides to youngsters. In
this
 essay, both viewpoints will be outlined before reaching my opinion.
To begin
 with, it is undeniable that recreation
such
 as television programmes and computer
games
 can provide the new generations with several benefits,
one
Correct word choice
and one
show examples
 of the positive effects is learning. To elaborate, many movies and
games
 these days have subtitles
while
 the characters are socialising, allowing children to grasp new vocabulary and enhance their listening skills.
Furthermore
, young people can think along and try to use their creativity in order to solve the problems inside the
entertainment
while
 they are watching or playing them.
For instance
, my 9-year-old cousin is now addicted to the newly released Harry Potter game and he told me that his English language proficiency had increased because of
this
 game.
Besides
, he explained to me how he used his creativity to solve puzzles in the game.
On the other hand
, there are tremendous disadvantages that
this
entertainment
 brings to the kids, the most crucial is
health
 issues. What
this
 means is some TV programmes and
games
 have a stressful plot which might affect the children's mental
health
.
Moreover
, when these youths spend most of their time inactive, their physical
health
 will become weaker.
For example
, we can see a vast number of the new generations are obese and easily get sick and ailments because they spend their time being idle, sitting and lying to play
games
.
In addition
, some of them get bullied by their teammates causing them to get stressed and hotheaded.
Overall
,
entertainment
such
 as television programmes, movies,
games
, etc can provide our children with both positive and negative effects. From my point of view, youngsters can use them to enhance their language proficiency skills. On the flip side, it is their parents' responsibility to look after their offspring's mental and physical
health
 which are worsened by focusing those recreation too much.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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coherence cohesion
To further enhance coherence, consider making smoother transitions between paragraphs. Using signal words like 'Additionally,' 'Moreover,' or 'On the contrary,' can guide the reader through your arguments more seamlessly.
task achievement
To make your points more comprehensive, expand on your ideas slightly more. For instance, explain more about how parents can mitigate the negative impacts.
coherence cohesion
You have a strong introduction and conclusion that clearly address the essay topic.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with distinct paragraphs addressing different aspects of the topic.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as the story about your cousin and the Harry Potter game, which effectively support your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive development
  • educational opportunities
  • technical skills
  • digital future
  • cultural exposure
  • screen time
  • physical health
  • obesity
  • eye strain
  • violent content
  • inappropriate content
  • parental supervision
  • setting boundaries
  • behavioral impact
  • mental health
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