IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

people are damaging their health by buying junk food, some people believe education cannot be effective,some other think education can help, discuss both view and give your own opinion?

Without knowledge
as well as
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
, many humans will suffer from health diseases caused by eating fast
food
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, learning cannot be important because even other
knowledgable
Correct your spelling
knowledgeable
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people
Use synonyms
 are affected by obesity which
Linking Words
also
Add a missing verb
is also
show examples
 caused by
taking
Verb problem
eating
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junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, I totally believe that without
education
Use synonyms
 many societies will perish
due to
Linking Words
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
junk
Use synonyms
 meals can damage our
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
, because
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
contains
Correct subject-verb agreement
contain
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 high calories,
sugars
Fix the agreement mistake
sugar
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as well as
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 spices which
is
Change the verb form
are
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 not good
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 our
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
.
Hence
Linking Words
, it is very crucial to learn about the disadvantages and negative effects of eating fried meat and French chips.
This
Linking Words
 can clearly
shown
Change the verb form
be shown
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 by most European
people
Use synonyms
 who are suffering from heart diseases,
for example
Linking Words
, high blood pressure and
this
Linking Words
 came from
taking
Verb problem
eating
show examples
 more fats.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, if some
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
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 learn about
badness
Add an article
the badness
show examples
 of
junk
Use synonyms
food
Use synonyms
, the rate of dying will be
also
Linking Words
 lower
down
Change preposition
apply
show examples
.
Although
Linking Words
education
Use synonyms
 plays a pivotal role
to reduce
Change preposition
in reducing
show examples
 the number of unhealthy,
but
Remove the conjunction
apply
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on the other hand
Linking Words
, some teachers and lecturers are buying KFC and McDonald's almost every day since they don't have time to cook, meanwhile,
this
Linking Words
 can increase
damaging
Replace the word
damage
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
people
Use synonyms
's health in our
living
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
society.An example to illustrate that could be my native country
South
Add the comma(s)
, South
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 Africa, almost sixty per cent of the teachers are working 24/7 to save their money for the future,
therefore
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 can give them pressure to buy fast
food
Use synonyms
 because of tiredness and is
also
Linking Words
 affordable. In conclusion,
education
Use synonyms
 is the key to everything,
thus
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 might have
knowledge
Add an article
the knowledge
show examples
 to avoid eating
junk
Use synonyms
 foods, whilst, taking fast
food
Use synonyms
, does not mean you are educated.I totally agree that with
education
Use synonyms
, will be healthy and eat traditional meals which
much
Add a missing verb
are much
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 better
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 our lives.

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coherence cohesion
Work on developing a clearer logical structure for your essay. Each paragraph should have a clear main idea and supporting details that follow logically from it.
coherence cohesion
Your essay needs a stronger introduction and conclusion. Make sure these sections clearly outline and summarize your main points.
task achievement
While you use relevant examples, make sure they are more directly connected to your main points to add clarity to your arguments.
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas more comprehensively. Instead of listing reasons, elaborate on each point with further explanation and examples.
task achievement
You make use of relevant specific examples, which is important to support your points.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has an introduction and conclusion, which frames your response.
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