IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 8

Employers sometimes ask people applying for jobs for personal information, such as their hobbies and interests, and whether they are married or single. Some people say that this information may be relevant and useful, while others disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#employers #people #jobs #information #hobbies #interests
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is a trend these days for organizations to get a detailed account from employees regarding their personal life including marital status and leisure time activities.Some folks think that
such
 information has nothing to do with the job requirements and may be exploited in a negative way
while
 others believe that
this
 is important for better management and
also
 for the provision of a friendly work environment.
This
 essay will discuss both views and give my opinion that it is essential for employers to know the personal details before designating assignments in order to cater for the requirements of the subordinates. On the one hand, there are some drawbacks to sharing private details with the human resource department of a company.One of the major detriments is that it makes a person vulnerable to exploitation by unknown personalities.To illustrate, some owners might harass the single females working under their supervision.Those poor ladies may be blackmailed for the sake of career progression.In Lahore,
for instance
, a mobile company manager was arrested on the charges of sexual harassment of junior unmarried colleagues
last
 year.He used the profile cards of the victims to force them for illegal favours.
On the other hand
, the intimate data of an individual is valuable for better output because it helps identify the right man for the right job.
For example
, a married person needs time to spend with his family, so his tasks should not bother his private life.
Similarly
, a gym-lover should be given time and space for physical activity at the workplace.These privileges can only be provided if the authorities know of the prior commitments of an employee.
Moreover
, it
also
 enables the management to assist the employer's family demands.To give an example, my boss always sends me gifts and extra salary on my birthdays and wedding anniversaries boosting my stamina to work with more zeal and zest in my office. In conclusion,
although
 there are some demerits of asking for extra information from the job aspirants including workplace harassment, I think that utilization of
such
 data to look after the needs of an employee has a hugely positive impact on the worker's morale.
Submitted by alishah2294 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from a clearer structure in terms of paragraphing and transitions. For instance, breaking down the paragraphs into shorter ones can make the essay easier to follow.
task achievement
Ensure that each point you make is directly related to the topic. There are instances where elaboration might seem to stray slightly off-topic.
introduction conclusion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-drafted. They serve their purpose effectively and tie the essay together nicely.
support
The examples you provided were relevant and aided in clarifying your points.
complete response
You addressed both views on the topic and gave a clear opinion, which is a strong point for task achievement.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • job application
  • personal information
  • hobbies and interests
  • marital status
  • relevant
  • useful
  • privacy
  • assessing candidates
  • qualifications
  • experience
What to do next:
Look at other essays: