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Writing Samples /
Band 3

Some countries have laws that prohibit animals being used in circuses or in other form of entertainment because it is cruel to keep animals in an environment that can cause them stress.

#countries #laws #animals #circuses #form #entertainment #environment #stress
In
this
 world of flora and
fauna
Add a comma
fauna,
show examples
 there are some countries where using
animals
 to entertain people
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not allowed because it leads to stress
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. It will be highly right position if all nations will instil
such
 laws as protecting
animals
 from involving them in funny events because they are in
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
uncomfortable conditions to live and get wrong behaviour toward them. Being adapted
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 nature both domestic and wild
animals
 feel terrible in close spaces. Participation in circus performances
do
Change the verb form
does
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 not
allowed
Change the verb form
allow
show examples
 them to be as
freedom
Replace the word
free
show examples
 as other free creatures. As an example,
according to
Correct article usage
the national
show examples
national geographic
Correct your spelling
National Geographic
show examples
channel
Add a comma
channel,
show examples
 there
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 more
death
Fix the agreement mistake
deaths
show examples
 of fauna annually
due to
 detrimental situations in entertainment centres rather than
naturally
Change the word
natural
show examples
dies in
Verb problem
diseases
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
global
Change the word
globally
show examples
. A worthy attitude is
also
 crucial regarding
to
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
wildlife
animals
 not just for humans. There are plenty of
punishment
Fix the agreement mistake
punishments
show examples
 engaged
while
 training tricks.
For instance
, circus trainers
Change preposition
in
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Asian countries
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
beat naughty
animals
Change preposition
with
show examples
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 sticks which
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
lead
Correct subject-verb agreement
leads
show examples
 them to be more
Replace the word
obedient
show examples
obedience
Replace the word
obedient
show examples
. In conclusion, every country should accept rules to forbid
animals
 in order to stop unsatisfactory behaviour and to give them
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
show examples
 care in
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 world.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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Task Achievement
The essay addresses the task but can benefit from being more precise in its response and providing clearer, more relevant examples. Develop ideas fully to achieve higher scores in task achievement.
Coherence and Cohesion
Check for grammatical accuracy and consistency in sentence structures to make the writing smoother and easier to understand. Improved coherence can make your argument more persuasively.
Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs by using transition words and phrases. This helps to guide the reader through your arguments cohesively.
Task Achievement
The essay makes a clear attempt to address the prompt and provides relevant points regarding animal welfare in entertainment.
Coherence and Cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the main points of the essay and reinforces the writer's stance on the issue.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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