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Band 4.5

In a number of countries, some people thin k it is necessary to spend large sums of money on constructing new railway lines for very fast trains between cities. Others believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#countries #people #k #sums #money #railway #lines #trains #cities #transport
These days, some
people
 think it is necessary to spend a lot of money on constructing new railway lines between cities, and lack of
people
 believe the money should be spent on improving existing public transport.
Although
 the creation of the railway is good, I still prefer improving
the
Correct article usage
apply
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public transport more than
railway
Add an article
the railway
a railway
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.
Because
Correct word choice
Lately
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lately
Add a comma
lately,
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 many
people
use
 private
vehicles
 for daily
vehicles
(car, motorcycle),
such
 as to go to work and school. using private
vehicles
 is very convenient, but there are so many disadvantages that
are impacted
Wrong verb form
impact
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on
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the environment because of the large number of private
vehicles
, of course there is
also
 a lot of pollution formed,
and
Correct word choice
which
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makes
Verb problem
causes
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 global warming. Why do many of us
use
 private
vehicles
? Because public
transportation
 is comfortable and less convenient, so many
people
 choose to ride private cars, and other private
vehicles
. We can reduce traffic congestion, reduce pollution and can
also
 help the country's economic growth by using public
transportation
 and improving public
transportation
. There are
also
 many benefits to building fast trains between cities, for workers from outside the city who migrate
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 and return to their hometowns once a week. Fast trains enable more efficient business travel,
facilitate
Correct word choice
and facilitate
show examples
 trade and cultural exchanges between cities and countries. Fast trains are
also
 able to speed up time
such
 as the example of an ordinary train from Bandung to Jakarta takes 3 hours, and
if
Correct word choice
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using a fast train only takes 45 minutes with a distance of 147 km. In my opinion as a student, it’s better to
imrove
Correct your spelling
improve
 and
use
 public transport better than
fast
Add an article
the fast
a fast
show examples
 train. Because public
transportation
 makes access to schools, colleges, and shopping
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 easier for students who may not have access to private
vehicles
 or long walking distances. As students, we
also
 have a small budget and can save money if we
use
 public
transportation
 because it is affordable.
Submitted by igbalalfariezy on

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coherence cohesion
Try to improve the logical flow and structure by clearly dividing paragraphs based on distinct ideas. Use topic sentences to introduce each paragraph and ensure each paragraph focuses on a single point.
task achievement
Although your essay does provide relevant examples, you should aim to provide more specific details and explain how they support your main arguments. This will strengthen your response.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction could be more engaging and clear. Clearly state both views and your opinion in the introduction so readers know what to expect.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to use a concluding paragraph that summarizes your main points and reinforces your opinion in a clear manner.
task achievement
Minor grammatical errors and awkward phrasing can be improved for better clarity and fluency. Consider proofreading your essay and using more varied sentence structures.
task achievement
The essay presents both views on the topic, fulfilling the task requirements.
task achievement
Relevant examples are provided to explain your main points, such as the impact on the environment and the benefits for students.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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