IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people decide to start their own business instead of working for a company or organisation. Do the advantages for people working for their own business outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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In
this
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 day and age, young generations tend to start up because they enjoy facing the difficulties of being
entrepreneurs
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instead
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 of working from night to five with a salary paid. From my point of view, the benefits of starting up outweigh the drawbacks. First and foremost, individuals, who decide to be
entrepreneurs
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, have several chances to do anything they want. Nowadays, people are keen on
this
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 advantage
instead
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 of working under the control of their boss. It helps them have opportunities to create wonderful things comfortably.
For instance
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, if you
work
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 in an organization, you have to meet the requirements of a superior officer. Your creativity may not bring appreciation to you, even though you can be fined by
this
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 undisciplined person.
Furthermore
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, being self-employed can help
entrepreneurs
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 earn a lot of money. In fact, almost all billionaires in the world are
entrepreneurs
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.
On the other hand
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, there are some drawbacks to being self-employed.
Firstly
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, Individuals will spend lots of time working
instead
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 of using 8
hours
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 when they
work
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 in a company. Sometimes they accept having less time for their family to complete their job.
For example
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, everyone has 24
hours
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 per day like each other.
While
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 workers
do
Verb problem
work
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 eight
hours
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 and
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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have 16
hours
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 to enjoy their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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, businesses do not even have time to sleep.
Moreover
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,
entrepreneurs
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 suffer from serious pressure to earn more money than others. In the early stage, they usually
work
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 with a few people so they can
work
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 several situations to ensure their company can
active
Add a missing verb
be active
show examples
with
Change preposition
at
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cheap
Correct article usage
a cheap
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 cost.
Linking Words
While if
Correct word choice
If
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 they have a big holding, they have to ensure the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 of thousands of staff. In conclusion, starting up brings lots of advantages for citizens to have new challenges and complete themselves. More than that, different
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 others,
entrepreneurs
Use synonyms
 can make dreams come true.

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task achievement
Try to expand on your points to provide a more thorough analysis. For instance, elaborate on how being self-employed can lead to financial instability.
coherence and cohesion
Work on the flow of your essay by ensuring that each paragraph naturally leads into the next. Use more transitional phrases such as 'Moreover,' 'In addition,' 'However,' and 'Therefore.'
general linguistic accuracy
Fix minor grammatical errors and choose words more precisely. For example, 'working from night to five' should be 'working from nine to five.'
task achievement
If possible, include more real-life examples or data to support your points. This will make your arguments more convincing and grounded.
coherence and cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, successfully framing the argument.
task achievement
You make an effective effort in outlining both advantages and disadvantages, providing a balanced view.
task achievement
The points made are relevant to the topic and show a good understanding of the subject matter.
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