IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In this technological era, personal information is stored on computers by many companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#era #information #computers #companies #organisations #outweigh
Undeniable that most personal
information
 of the people in
this
 era is stored on
computer
 services occupied by many companies and organizations.
Although
 there are various advantages
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 keeping the
information
 online,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
 convenient and easy access, there are
Correct article usage
a numbers
show examples
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of drawbacks. There are 2 main reasons not to
stored
Wrong verb form
store
show examples
 personal
information
 in those smart devices. First of all,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
digital
data
 can be easier to hack than analog one, especially important and private
data
such
 as credit card
number
Fix the agreement mistake
numbers
show examples
 and security
code
Fix the agreement mistake
codes
show examples
. The hackers can
stole
Change the verb form
steal
show examples
 your
data
 from anywhere in the world if they wish to, which
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 the chances of personal
data
hacked
Add a missing verb
being hacked
show examples
.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
show examples
, storing
data
 in
conventional
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a conventional
show examples
 way has less
chances
Fix the agreement mistake
chance
show examples
 of
data
 loss. Even if it
do
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does
show examples
lost
Change the verb form
lose
show examples
, it has
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
chances
Fix the agreement mistake
chance
show examples
 of spreading
data
 far away, whilst keeping those
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
show examples
 can spread
information
 all over
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
 in a second.
Secondly
, saving all personal
data
 in electric devices can make you forget your own
information
 which can play
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
roles
Fix the agreement mistake
role
show examples
 when you’re in dangerous circumstances. To illustrate, you get lost in the middle of nowhere without your telephone and you can’t remember any important telephone can
causes
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
 you trouble. In conclusion, personal
information
 should not be kept on
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
 because it is easier to hack and it can make you forget your own important
information
. In my point of view, it is better if we use the benefit of
Correct article usage
the computer
show examples
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 to keep our insignificant
information
 and keep our important
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
analogly
Correct your spelling
analogous
.
Submitted by thirdd.natcha on

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task achievement
To improve your essay, add more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. This will help to illustrate your points more effectively and make your response more convincing.
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. For example, explain more about how hackers can access personal information and why this is a significant issue.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical structure of your essay. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next and that your arguments are presented in a clear and logical order.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame the response effectively.
task achievement
The main points are clearly stated and generally supported, providing a good basis for your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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