In this technological era, personal information is stored on computers by many companies and organisations. Do you think the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Undeniable that most personal
information
of the people in
this
era is stored on
computer
services occupied by many companies and organizations.
Although
there are various advantages
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
keeping the
information
online,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
example,
show examples
convenient and easy access, there are
Correct article usage
a numbers
show examples
numbers
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number
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of drawbacks. There are 2 main reasons not to
stored
Wrong verb form
store
show examples
personal
information
in those smart devices. First of all,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
digital
data
can be easier to hack than analog one, especially important and private
data
such
as credit card
number
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numbers
show examples
and security
code
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codes
show examples
. The hackers can
stole
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steal
show examples
your
data
from anywhere in the world if they wish to, which
increase
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increases
show examples
the chances of personal
data
hacked
Add a missing verb
being hacked
show examples
.
In
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On
show examples
contrary
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the contrary
show examples
, storing
data
in
conventional
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a conventional
show examples
way has less
chances
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chance
show examples
of
data
loss. Even if it
do
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does
show examples
lost
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lose
show examples
, it has
less
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fewer
show examples
chances
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chance
show examples
of spreading
data
far away, whilst keeping those
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
show examples
can spread
information
all over
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
show examples
in a second.
Secondly
, saving all personal
data
in electric devices can make you forget your own
information
which can play
significant
Correct article usage
a significant
show examples
roles
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role
show examples
when you’re in dangerous circumstances. To illustrate, you get lost in the middle of nowhere without your telephone and you can’t remember any important telephone can
causes
Wrong verb form
cause
show examples
you trouble. In conclusion, personal
information
should not be kept on
computer
Add an article
the computer
a computer
show examples
because it is easier to hack and it can make you forget your own important
information
. In my point of view, it is better if we use the benefit of
Correct article usage
the computer
show examples
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
to keep our insignificant
information
and keep our important
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
show examples
analogly
Correct your spelling
analogous
.
Submitted by thirdd.natcha on

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task achievement
To improve your essay, add more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments. This will help to illustrate your points more effectively and make your response more convincing.
task achievement
Try to develop your ideas more clearly and comprehensively. For example, explain more about how hackers can access personal information and why this is a significant issue.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical structure of your essay. Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly into the next and that your arguments are presented in a clear and logical order.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame the response effectively.
task achievement
The main points are clearly stated and generally supported, providing a good basis for your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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