IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that violence in the media promotes violence in society. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

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Certain individuals believe that violence occurs
due to
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 the negativity spread by
media
Correct article usage
the media
show examples
. I have a neutral viewpoint about the
affect
Replace the word
effect
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 of media on the behaviour of
masses
Correct article usage
the masses
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. From my perspective, there are a multitude of reasons behind
such
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 kind of offensive behaviour and media could be one of them.
This
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 essay will explore how means of information
affects
Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
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 society .
To begin
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 with,
the
Correct article usage
an
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 outburst of anger on a specific topic shown through social platforms or news channels can affect thinking of the ordinary people. Basically, the herd mentality does not have critical thinking. They tend to behave in a way they see visual illustrations and follow them
blindy
Correct your spelling
blindly
.
Consequently
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, the negative news compounds the aggression and multiplies its spread. To exemplify, when black lives matter began
due to
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 the spread of a video in which a black individual was brutally killed
then
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 nobody thought of solving it in a legal way.
This
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 resulted in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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civil unrest throughout the world and
wrecked
Correct the spelling
wreaked
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a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
havoc on personal properties. So, reporters should be cautious of the statements and the videos that are served to their viewers.
On the contrary
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, one of the reasons why violence starts is the lack of personal development. Educational and law institutions are failing to gain the trust of
masses
Correct article usage
the masses
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.
Therefore
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, societies fail to provide stability to the weaker sections
such
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 as the poor and the discriminated individuals.
Thus
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, they are not aware of the
offenses
Change the spelling
offences
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 they commit
due to
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the
Change the word
their
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 lack of conscientiousness.
For example
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, many poor kids join gangs that are involved in murders and illegal activities. Ergo,
role
Add an article
the role
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 of moral values
also
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 plays an important part in shaping
thinking
Add an article
the thinking
show examples
 of an individual. In conclusion, it is not just
informaton
Correct your spelling
information
 platforms that could affect
thinking
Correct article usage
the thinking
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 of an individual when he watches
such
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 kind of content but
also
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 the way he is trained to interpret it.
Hence
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, I believe that people should be trained to possess
critical
Correct article usage
a critical
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 and analytical attitude.

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task achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the prompt by exploring both sides of the argument on whether violence in the media promotes violence in society. However, you could achieve greater clarity in your arguments by more clearly structuring your paragraphs and explicitly stating your stance on the issue. Additionally, ensure consistency in your viewpoint. While you mention a neutral viewpoint, the essay largely leans towards acknowledging the influence of media.
coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, make sure each paragraph has a clear main idea and logical flow. You could also use more transition words and phrases to link ideas and paragraphs smoothly. The paragraphs could be more balanced in length and development, explaining points in a more detailed and organized manner.
task achievement
You have included relevant examples, such as the Black Lives Matter movement, which supports your point about the media's influence. Continue using specific examples to support your arguments, but try to introduce even more varied examples for a more comprehensive discussion.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the discussion, presenting the issue at hand and summarizing your viewpoint.
relevant specific examples
The example of the Black Lives Matter movement effectively illustrates your point about how media can influence public behavior.
complete response
The essay covers multiple perspectives, considering the role of both media and personal development in fostering violent behavior.
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