Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?
When comes to the question of whether young
people
should serve in the army
compulsorily, attitudes toward this
vary from person to person. Some people
consider it beneficial to countries, however
, others argue that the decision should be made by the school
leavers themselves. Personally, I agree with the latter view, and this
essay will provide the reasons.
To begin
with, in modern society, as democracy should be developed and enhanced in all countries, people
should have the free will to join military service
. Moreover
, not everyone is fit for the army
, such
as people
who have physical defects or inherited diseases. Consequently
, forcing young men who are not willing to or physically unfit may result in issues during daily training and discipline which are the most important routines in military service
.
In addition
, compulsory military not only causes problems for the army
but also
affects individuals negatively. For example
, school
leaves may lose career opportunities due to
the gap between leaving school
and completing compulsory service
. Schools equip youngsters with updated knowledge and practical skills which may lead them to prospective career development. However
, army
service
hinders the pace of young people
updating their skills and being competitive in job markets. Furthermore
, this
gap may also
isolate young people
from the outside changing world, thus
decreasing their self-esteem and causing socialising issues.
To conclude
, governments may encourage young people
to join the army
, however
, it should not be compulsory because it brings disadvantageous effects both to the school
leavers' self-development and social progress in the long run.Submitted by carriexue23 on
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task achievement
While you have presented a clear stance on the topic, there is room for improvement in expanding on the argument. Consider adding more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your points. For instance, statistics or real-life cases where compulsory military service has had negative impacts could make your argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, to improve logical structure, you could use more connective words and phrases to ensure smoother transitions between ideas. Words like 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' 'Moreover,' and 'In consequence' can help guide the reader through your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
Make sure to proofread your essay to catch minor grammatical errors or awkward phrasing. For example, 'When comes to the question' should be 'When it comes to the question.' Paying attention to these details will improve the clarity of your writing.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the issue and your stance, setting a good foundation for the essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance, which is a strong way to end the essay.
task achievement
The ideas are pertinent and the argument against compulsory military service is well-articulated.