Many countries have compulsory military service for young men after they leave school. It would be a good idea for all countries to adopt this system for men, and possibly for women too. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

When comes to the question of whether young
people
should serve in the
army
compulsorily, attitudes toward
this
vary from person to person. Some
people
consider it beneficial to countries,
however
, others argue that the decision should be made by the
school
leavers themselves. Personally, I agree with the latter view, and
this
essay will provide the reasons.
To begin
with, in modern society, as democracy should be developed and enhanced in all countries,
people
should have the free will to join military
service
.
Moreover
, not everyone is fit for the
army
,
such
as
people
who have physical defects or inherited diseases.
Consequently
, forcing young men who are not willing to or physically unfit may result in issues during daily training and discipline which are the most important routines in military
service
.
In addition
, compulsory military not only causes problems for the
army
but
also
affects individuals negatively.
For example
,
school
leaves may lose career opportunities
due to
the gap between leaving
school
and completing compulsory
service
. Schools equip youngsters with updated knowledge and practical skills which may lead them to prospective career development.
However
,
army
service
hinders the pace of young
people
updating their skills and being competitive in job markets.
Furthermore
,
this
gap may
also
isolate young
people
from the outside changing world,
thus
decreasing their self-esteem and causing socialising issues.
To conclude
, governments may encourage young
people
to join the
army
,
however
, it should not be compulsory because it brings disadvantageous effects both to the
school
leavers' self-development and social progress in the long run.
Submitted by carriexue23 on

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task achievement
While you have presented a clear stance on the topic, there is room for improvement in expanding on the argument. Consider adding more specific examples or evidence to strengthen your points. For instance, statistics or real-life cases where compulsory military service has had negative impacts could make your argument more compelling.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, to improve logical structure, you could use more connective words and phrases to ensure smoother transitions between ideas. Words like 'Firstly,' 'Secondly,' 'Moreover,' and 'In consequence' can help guide the reader through your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
Make sure to proofread your essay to catch minor grammatical errors or awkward phrasing. For example, 'When comes to the question' should be 'When it comes to the question.' Paying attention to these details will improve the clarity of your writing.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly outlines the issue and your stance, setting a good foundation for the essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance, which is a strong way to end the essay.
task achievement
The ideas are pertinent and the argument against compulsory military service is well-articulated.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Compulsory
  • Military service
  • Conscription
  • Patriotism
  • National security
  • Social equality
  • Discipline
  • Physical fitness
  • Life skills
  • Job training
  • Infringement
  • Conscripts
  • Gender equality
  • Mandatory
  • Economy
  • Education system
  • Labor market
  • Civil service
  • Alternative forms
  • Balanced view
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