Some people believe that it is the responsibility of individuals to take care of their own health and diet. Others however believe that the Government should make sure that their citizens have a healthy diet. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Some
people
may think it is their responsibility to take care of their diet
and health because they are the one
who control their own lives Correct pronoun usage
ones
nevertheless
other
may argue that the Government should be responsible for them. Fix the agreement mistake
others
This
is a bit controversial to disscuss
in Correct your spelling
discuss
the
public but in my opinion, Correct article usage
apply
individual
should take their own responsibility no matter Add an article
an individual
the individual
it
is for their health or Correct word choice
if it
diet
because I believe as an individual we should be able to make our own decision
and we should be the one to lead our way.
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
To begin
with, I think every individual is independent and should be able to choose what is best for our body. For example
, we all know that drinking alcohol is bad for our liver and smoking cigarette
is bad for our lungs. As a matter of fact, some Fix the agreement mistake
cigarettes
people
do not touch alcohol and avoid smoking even from second hand
Add a hyphen
second-hand
smoking
. We can Replace the word
smoke
also
see several government advertisement
regarding how smoking and drinking can kill you but there are still many Change to a plural noun
advertisements
people
who are enjoying drinking and smoking.
Moving on with diet
, I have seen some warning advertisement
from Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
the
government sites Correct article usage
apply
of
how Change preposition
about
the
Correct article usage
a
diet
rich in animal fat can make you obese but still many people
enjoying
food or Wrong verb form
enjoy
diet
made with animal fat. Correct article usage
a diet
Therefore
, I think people
know what is best for their bodies and they are potent to control for themselves.
To conclude
, even though their
are different Replace the word
there
view
towards who should be responsible for Fix the agreement mistake
views
people
's health and diet
, I think we as an individual who are
able to make our Change the verb form
is
Correct word choice
own choice
choice
should be responsible for it.Fix the agreement mistake
choices
Submitted by asllchkied on
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task achievement
Ensure that each viewpoint is discussed in balanced detail. The essay slightly leans more towards individual responsibility without sufficiently addressing the opposing viewpoint regarding the government's role.
task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to strengthen your arguments. For example, mention specific government programs or campaigns that have succeeded or failed.
coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph transitions to create a smooth flow of ideas. For instance, connect the second paragraph more clearly to the first and third paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Pay attention to minor grammatical errors and typos. For example, ensure consistency in the use of singular/plural nouns and correct verb forms.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion which encapsulate the main arguments well.
task achievement
The main ideas are clearly presented and the reasoning behind them is logical and easy to follow.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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