IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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Many produced foods consist of high levels of sugar,
hence
Linking Words
, it contributes to many health problems.
Therefore
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, some consider the increase in cost can lower the frequency
in
Change preposition
of
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 purchasing
This
Linking Words
 essay agrees with
this
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 statement because it raises
awarenes
Correct your spelling
awareness
 among
people
Use synonyms
 and
also
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make
Change the verb form
makes
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 it impossible for
people
Use synonyms
 with low income to buy it. First of all, high prices for products always
persue
Correct your spelling
cause
people
Use synonyms
 to think twice before purchasing them.
Consequently
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, expensive overly sweet food should raise
an
Remove the article
apply
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awareness among
people
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. They start to question if the product worth
to spend
Change the verb form
spending
show examples
this
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 big chunk of money on, or
they
Correct word choice
if they
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 can live without it.
In other words
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, doubling the prices
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 unhealthy food pressures
people
Use synonyms
 to seriously consider it before choosing to take it.
For instance
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,
according to
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent research,
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 principle was used with
cigaretes
Correct your spelling
cigarettes
.
Due to
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 the significant growth in
costs
Add a comma
costs,
show examples
 the number of interested customers noticeably declined,
hence
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 it proved the method to be efficient.
Secondly
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, even though some
people
Use synonyms
 do not care about their well-being they might be simply not capable of buying because of limited allowance. These days,
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of humans do not have a huge income that lets them spend a lot of money. Take
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for
Add the comma(s)
, for
show examples
 example, students, most of them struggle to pay for their education by working at low-paid jobs. So their spending is limited and they do not have
such
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 possibility
as
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of
show examples
 buying expensive things. All in all, I believe products that cause health problems should be of high cost.
Then
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 it lowers the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of consumers and raises awareness among
people
Use synonyms
 to be more
mindfull
Correct your spelling
mindful
.
Submitted by katenok200312 on

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task response
Ensure that your introduction fully encapsulates your argument and clearly connects it to the task prompt. Additionally, make sure to address all parts of the task question in a balanced way.
coherence and cohesion
Pay closer attention to logical connectors and transitional phrases to improve the flow of your essay. This will aid in making your arguments easier to follow.
supporting your arguments
Use more concrete examples and data to back your arguments. For instance, you could include specific studies or statistics on how price increases lead to reduced consumption of sugary products.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has one clear main idea that is fully developed and supported with evidence. Avoid adding unnecessary information that can detract from the main argument.
task response
The essay maintains a clear stance throughout and successfully structures the argument in a logical manner.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, helping to frame the essay effectively.
supporting your arguments
The arguments made are relevant to the task prompt and provide a clear point of view.
supporting your arguments
The use of the example involving cigarettes demonstrates an understanding of the topic and an attempt to provide specific evidence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
What to do next:
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