IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

The maintenance of public libraries is a waste of Money because of computer Technologies that have the same function. To what extent do you agree or disagree ?

#maintenance #libraries #waste #money #computer #technologies #function
Libraries
 have been around for a very long time. Nowadays people do not prefer to go to a public library because they can
reach
Verb problem
access
show examples
 everything from a computer and most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
public
libraries
 are so old. Indeed, it is too costly to spend money on renovating
libraries
. I totally agree with
this
 opinion. On the one hand , most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
cities have a lot of
libraries
 which have built many years ago.
Hovewer
Correct your spelling
However
, people
are not interest
Change the verb form
are not interested
show examples
 in going to a library. Many things have changed
due to
 improving technology
such
 as using
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
 in order to read books, magazines or articles.
Besides
, computers have huge
capasity
Correct your spelling
capacity
 with a view to saving documents.
In addition
, many researchers share their studies and thesis
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the internet so everything is reachable because of the
archieve
Correct your spelling
archive
 system. On the one hand, reconstructing
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
libraries
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
environment
Add an article
the environment
show examples
 because
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
libraries
 cause
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
visual pollution in the cities.
For instance
 ,there is a place which is in the north of the Bursa and it is called
‘dead
Correct article usage
a ‘dead
show examples
 zone’
due to
 a lot of
libraries
 which are empty and nobody prefers to go. If the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
try
Correct subject-verb agreement
tries
show examples
 to maintain all of the
libraries
, it will cost a lot.
As a result
,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 think, public
libraries
 will be lost
?
Change the punctuation
.
show examples
 their importance for people thanks to the era of technology. As a matter of fact, the
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
 will not choose to build new public
libraries
 in the future.They will be replaced by computers
due to
same
Change the article
the same
show examples
 function.
Submitted by svdnruslu on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
You have addressed the task by presenting arguments supporting the idea that maintaining public libraries is a waste of money. However, your response would be stronger if you balanced it by discussing counterarguments, even if briefly, to show a more comprehensive understanding of the issue.
coherence cohesion
Your essay generally flows logically, but there are some issues with cohesion. Transitions like 'On the one hand' are used incorrectly; you should use 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' to present contrasting ideas. Work on improving the use of cohesive devices.
task achievement
Many of your main points are relevant and clear, but they need more development and specific examples to be more persuasive. Try to provide more detailed support for your arguments.
coherence cohesion
Your essay would benefit from a more structured approach. Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence, and expand on each idea in a logical sequence. This will improve readability and make your arguments more convincing.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly states your position, which is good for providing the reader with a clear sense of your essay's direction.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes your main points and reiterates your stance, which helps in reinforcing your argument.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: