IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3.5

Q. The government should ban smoking in all public places, even though this would restrict some people's freedoms. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer.

#q #government #ban #places #people #freedoms
I agree that the government should ban smoking in all public places, even though
this
 would restrict some people's freedoms. The primary reason for
this
 is the significant public
health
 benefits. Secondhand smoke is a well-documented
health
 hazard, posing serious risks to non-smokers, including children and individuals with respiratory conditions. By prohibiting smoking in public areas, the government would be safeguarding the well-being of the general populace, reducing the incidence of smoking-related illnesses, and promoting a healthier environment.
While
 the restriction may impinge on individual freedoms, the collective benefit to public
health
 and the reduction of healthcare costs make it a justifiable and necessary measure. In conclusion, prioritizing the
health
 and safety of the broader community outweighs the inconvenience to individual smokers.
Submitted by chalermchartbsc on

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task achievement
Your essay is well-structured with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, you could enhance the essay by elaborating more on the specific examples and data that support your argument. For instance, citing studies or statistical data on the effects of secondhand smoke would strengthen your points.
task achievement
While your ideas are clearly presented, they can be expanded further. Provide more detailed explanations or examples of how banning smoking in public places has worked in other regions or countries. This would make your argument even more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a solid logical structure. Each paragraph flows well into the next, and your argument develops in a coherent manner.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction that states your position, and a conclusion that effectively summarizes your main points.
coherence cohesion
You have supported your main points well, making your essay persuasive and easy to follow.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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