IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The crime rate among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries. Why is this happening and what can be done to reduce it?

#crime #rate #teenagers #countries
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Over the
last
Linking Words
decade
Add a comma
decade,
show examples
 there has been a massive rise in the level of crime committed by teenagers in a number of countries. It is
important
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
crucial to establish why
this
Linking Words
 has happened and to look at ways to solve the problem. One reason is the breakdown
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the nuclear family. The high divorce rates have meant many
children
Use synonyms
 have been brought up in one-parent families with no father to act as a role model which is detrimental to their development.
This
Linking Words
 is particularly important for boys, who without
this
Linking Words
 guidance are easily led astray by bad influences
such
Linking Words
 as drugs and crime. Another factor is
TV
Use synonyms
 programs. Media is one powerful influence. Many times, vulgarity and violence
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 shown on
TV
Use synonyms
.
Children
Use synonyms
 are vulnerable and accept it as natural and try to copy what is shown. There are,
however
Linking Words
, ways to tackle these problems. Some censorship of
TV
Use synonyms
 channels is needed. Parents should ration the
TV
Use synonyms
 viewing hours of
children
Use synonyms
. Parents should watch
TV
Use synonyms
 with
children
Use synonyms
 so that they know what their
children
Use synonyms
 are being exposed to. We should
also
Linking Words
 encourage joint families. Parents should be good role models.
Good
Correct article usage
A good
show examples
 family atmosphere should be provided
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
children
Use synonyms
.
Friend
Correct article usage
The friend
show examples
 circle of the
children
Use synonyms
 should be monitored. We should
also
Linking Words
 educate
children
Use synonyms
 about the harms of consumerism. Schools should
also
Linking Words
 provide good education.
Finally
Linking Words
. government should try and reduce unemployment and poverty which, are the root causes.
Therefore
Linking Words
,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 there are various reasons for
this
Linking Words
 rise in crime, but solutions are available. If we begin to tackle the issue now, we may be able to prevent the situation from declining
further
Linking Words
.
Submitted by checkmyessay9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Consider integrating your ideas more smoothly between paragraphs, as the flow between reasons and solutions can be made more seamless.
task achievement
Try to incorporate a broader range of examples to support your points, particularly regarding the influence of media on youth.
task achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the task by effectively discussing both causes and solutions for the increase in teenage crime.
coherence cohesion
A clear introduction and conclusion frame the essay well, adding coherence to the argument.
coherence cohesion
The main points are relevant and clearly linked to the topic, with specific solutions presented for the identified causes.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: