Watching a live performance such as a play, concert, or sporting event is more enjoyable than watching the same event on television. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
There are many
people
believe
that joining to live Correct pronoun usage
who believe
event
is more exciting than watching through television
. In this
essay's opinion, watching event
by using Correct article usage
an event
television
is more enjoyable than live one.
It is easy to understand that, convenince
is the essential reason for viewers to watch at home by using Correct your spelling
convenience
television
. To exlain
, staying at home with Correct your spelling
explain
relaxing
mind do not Correct article usage
a relaxing
worry
about Wrong verb form
worrying
the
serious Correct article usage
apply
accident
can make audiences more enjoyable. Fix the agreement mistake
accidents
Moreover
, if many people
participate in the same occasion, there will happen
a big accidental issue. Verb problem
be
For example
, the Halloween event
in Korea experinced
a serious problem Correct your spelling
experienced
due to
the appearance of numerous dwellers in small
place and it Add an article
a small
make
many Verb problem
caused
people's
Change preposition
people to
dead
.
Replace the word
die
As a result
, watching performance
on Fix the agreement mistake
performances
television
is safer and more experient
for viewers to join in.
Correct word choice
convenient
However
, others believe that it is more exciting when watching
live Wrong verb form
watch
performance
than home watching. Fix the agreement mistake
performances
this
is because live performance
Fix the agreement mistake
performances
boost
Change the verb form
boosts
Correct article usage
the audiencess
audiencess
mood with Correct your spelling
audience's
high quality
Add a hyphen
high-quality
of
music. Change preposition
apply
Besides
,live watching can brings
them Change the verb form
bring
more
enjoyable feeling by meeting famous singers. It is a bullet point that Correct article usage
a more
make
the number of Change the verb form
makes
people
easy to lose their life. To clarify, to meet famouse
Correct your spelling
famous
people
, they have to pay more money and have to rival
with others Verb problem
compete
and
can cause some physical Correct word choice
which
issue
.
In conclusion, despite the beneficial effect of live watching, viewing Fix the agreement mistake
issues
event
through Fix the agreement mistake
events
tv
is more enjoyable because of its convenienceCorrect your spelling
TV
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coherence cohesion
Overall, your essay has a clear structure, but coherence and cohesion need improvement. For example, transitions between ideas could be smoother and better connected. Small inaccuracies and language issues impede the flow and understanding of your ideas.
task achievement
Your response addresses the task, but it could be expanded to fully cover both sides of the argument. Try to elaborate more on the points you make to provide a fuller and more comprehensive response.
task achievement
Your main points need more specific examples and evidence to back them up. More detailed examples can help illustrate your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
You have made an effort to present both sides of the argument, which is good practice for this type of essay.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion effectively restates your opinion while summarizing the main points of the essay.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example