IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The bar chart show attendance of people in different ages in music event 2006

The bar chart show attendance of people in different ages in music event 2006
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The provided bar chart illustrates information about the rates of
age
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 groups of
music
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Use synonyms
events
Change the noun form
event
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attendants
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 in 2006. The unit was measured in percentage.
Overall
Linking Words
, there is an enormous gap between popular
music
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 and
other type
Change the wording
another type
other types
show examples
 of
music
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, except
the
Change preposition
for the
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attendants
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in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Correct subject-verb agreement
ages
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 45 and upper.
Additionally
Linking Words
, opera shows remained
Change preposition
at its
show examples
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 rate
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 all ages
whereas
Linking Words
 popular
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
’ interest went down when people
getting
Wrong verb form
got
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 older. Looking at the bar chart, popular
music
Use synonyms
events
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 were at the highest rate from the
age
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 15 to 44 with almost 40% of
attendants
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 in the younger
age
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group
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there was a big difference between popular
events
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 and classical
with
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apply
show examples
opera ones when their gap was at 25%
I
Correct your spelling
in
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 the similar
age
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group
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, before decreasing to almost 8% in the 35 to 44
age
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group
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. Classical
events
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,
however
Linking Words
, reached the lowest interest in youth and adults when the figures were just over
than
Change preposition
apply
show examples
10% in two groups 15 to 24 and 35 to 54. Turning to the remaining statistics, popular
music
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 interests saw a decline by
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
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, from 38% among the younger
attendants
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 to 5% in the sedentary people. Classical
music
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events
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 have a similar trend in all
age
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Use synonyms
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 when its rate
decline
Correct subject-verb agreement
declines
show examples
 from 11% to only 8% in the
age
Use synonyms
 of 55 and more. Opera
events
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,
however
Linking Words
, remained in the
age
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 15 to 34 and
age
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 from 45 to higher with around 15%
while
Linking Words
 in the
age
Use synonyms
 35 to 44, only a quarter of people
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
attend
Wrong verb form
attended
show examples
events
Use synonyms
 like
this
Linking Words
 kind of
music
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words age, music, events, attendants, group with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decline" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "remained" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "almost" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • age group
  • attendance
  • music event
  • year 2006
  • highest/lowest attendance
  • musical taste
  • disposable income
  • comparison
  • trends
  • influence
  • predictions
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