IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that the best way to improve the general well-being of schoolchildren is to make physical education compulsory in all schools. Others, however, think that this would have little effect on overall health and those other measures are needed. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #schoolchildren #education #schools #effect #health #measures
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is universally acknowledged that exercise significantly affects health,
hence
 it should be considered in all ages. Some advocate for compulsory
putting
Verb problem
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
physical education (
PE
) in
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 curriculum which is criticized by
opposite
Correct article usage
the opposite
show examples
 orientation. They assert that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
PE
 is not the only reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 being healthy.
This
 essay will
be discussed
Wrong verb form
discuss
show examples
both sides and express my viewpoint too. The proponent claims that if pupils forcefully
involve
Wrong verb form
involved
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
PE
, it will assist them in several aspects. First and foremost, a tendency towards
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 sedentary lifestyle is discovered a burst in the youth,
due to
 sedentary activities,
such
 as playing online games and doing homework; and even most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
 subjects encourage them to sit and study.
Secondly
, it could underlie educating interpersonal skills and improving individual
characters
Fix the agreement mistake
character
show examples
.
For example
, soccer is a team sport which requires cooperation and assistance during the game to win. All in all, the
school
 would appeal more to students
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
spending
Verb problem
having
show examples
funny
Correct word choice
a fun
show examples
 time during
Add an article
the game
a game
show examples
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
.
Conversely
, opponents conflict with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mandatory
PE
by
Change preposition
for
show examples
following
Correct article usage
the following
show examples
 reasons. The assessments illustrate that obligation has an inverse impact
upon
Change preposition
on
show examples
 individuals’
behaviors
Change the spelling
behaviours
show examples
,
hence
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
compulsorily physical activities would be refused by students.
This
 would change
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 class,
as
Change preposition
from
show examples
 a pleasant time, into an anxious
school
 subject.
In addition
, the effectiveness of other factors,
such
 as nutrition, sleeping time and personal habits, are obviously undeniable.
For instance
, exercising
along with
 eating fast foods and drinking alcohol wouldn’t have
noticeable
Add an article
a noticeable
show examples
 influence on body health.
Thus
, wellness entails
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
comprehensive care and
does
Verb problem
is
show examples
 not
summarize
Wrong verb form
summarised
show examples
 in
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
. In conclusion, the necessity of physical activities is completely accepted. My opinion would strike a balance between these two argumentative ideas. To put it differently, schools could schedule the subject with learning nutrimental values, healthy
habit s
Correct your spelling
habits
show examples
 and
also
 movements.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence and cohesion
Work on refining the logical structure of your essay. Ensure each paragraph flows smoothly into the next and that ideas are presented in a cohesive manner.
task achievement
Ensure your ideas are clear and well-developed. Avoid vague statements and provide more concrete examples where necessary.
language accuracy
Review grammar and sentence structure to avoid minor mistakes that can disrupt readability.
introduction
Your introduction effectively sets up the discussion with a clear outline of both sides of the argument.
examples
You provided good reasoning and examples, particularly the point about soccer and teamwork, which enriches your argument.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • physical fitness
  • child development
  • obesity
  • associated health problems
  • habit of regular physical activity
  • lifelong fitness habits
  • mental well-being
  • stress, anxiety, and depression
  • social interaction
  • teamwork
  • social skills
  • emotional intelligence
  • balanced diet
  • sufficient sleep
  • academic pressure
  • educational policies
  • support systems
  • quality and implementation
  • poorly designed PE activities
  • desired health benefits
  • focusing solely
  • unbalanced curriculum
What to do next:
Look at other essays: