IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that technological tools such as body scanners and CCTV have significantly enhanced our safety and security, while others feel that they have resulted in a loss of privacy. Do the benefits of these items outweigh their disadvantages?

#people #tools #body #scanners #cctv #safety #security #loss #privacy #items
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Some individuals argue that technological
tools
 have improved safety and security,
whereas
 others think that these
tools
 are ruining
people
's privacy. As far as I am concerned, I think that there are more advantages rather than disadvantages
having
Change preposition
of having
show examples
 a security control around where I stay. Nowadays, most of the public places are under control by scanners and
cameras
 to ensure
people
 a safer place to stay.
Due to
 these technological
tools
Add a comma
tools,
show examples
 it is easy to check individuals to see if they have arms or drugs with them.
For instance
, in airport situations after the check-in, travellers have to pass through a body scanner.
In
Change preposition
On
show examples
 many
occasions
Add a comma
occasions,
show examples
 I saw episodes of
people
 who were under arrest because the scanner identified drugs that the dealer was hiding. Another method to make a place safer is using
cameras
 in public places.
Cameras
 are
tools
 that most of the time work constantly and provide officers
videotapes
Change preposition
with videotapes
show examples
 to check situations and give them proof.
For example
, in
Milan
Add a comma
Milan,
show examples
 the subway is full of
cameras
 so it is easy to see if someone did something wrong and find that person. If someone
muggs
Correct your spelling
mugs
 a bag or a
bagagge
Correct your spelling
baggage
 the videotape can be useful to catch the stealer. In conclusion, some
people
 claim that using security
tools
 is a method to safeguard
people
's things and sometimes
life
Replace the word
lives
show examples
.
Personally
Add a comma
Personally,
show examples
 I am one of them, I consider
cameras
 and scanners something helpful for me and the community.
Submitted by bucciarellianna3 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To improve your task response, try to address the counterarguments more directly. Presenting the opposing side's viewpoint and then refuting it can make your argument stronger and more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
Work on your logical structure by ensuring each paragraph flows smoothly from one to the next. Use linking words and phrases to make transitions between ideas clearer.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to proofread your essay for minor grammar and vocabulary errors. Also, avoid repetition in your phrases to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized with a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument effectively.
task achievement
The use of specific examples, such as the airport body scanners and CCTV in Milan, effectively supports your main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: