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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

the bar chart shows the attedance of people in different ages in music events in Autralia in 2006

the bar chart shows the attedance of people in different ages in music events in Autralia in 2006
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Contained in the chart is data pertaining to the
percentage
Use synonyms
 of attendance for 3 types of
music
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events
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 in 2006 in Australia.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is obvious that
pop
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music
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events
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 had the highest
percentage
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 in
groups
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 aged from 15-54. Meanwhile,
groups
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 aged 45-54 and 55+ had opera
music
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events
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 as the highest. Beginning with
pop
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music
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events
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, it was the most popular category in
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
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 aged 15-24 with 38%, followed by
age
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 35-44 and
age
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 25-34
groups
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 with 33% and 27% respectively. Meanwhile, opera
music
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events
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 dominated in
Use synonyms
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
 35-44 with 25%, outnumbered
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groups
Change preposition
by groups
show examples
 aged 25-34 and 15-24
which
Correct pronoun usage
whose
show examples
Use synonyms
percentage
Fix the agreement mistake
percentages
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 were just around 13%-14%.
Additionally
Linking Words
, classical
music
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events
Use synonyms
 had the same
percentage
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 in
groups
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Use synonyms
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 15-24 and
age
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 35-44,
while
Linking Words
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
age
Use synonyms
 25-34 it was 8%. Turning to
remaining
Correct article usage
the remaining
show examples
groups
Use synonyms
, it has the same
attendances
Fix the agreement mistake
attendance
show examples
 with 15%. It is obvious that
attendances
Fix the agreement mistake
attendance
show examples
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 classical
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 in
group
Correct article usage
the group
show examples
Use synonyms
age
Wrong verb form
aged
show examples
 55+ was 8%, higher than
pop
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music
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 by 3%.
By contrast
Linking Words
,
attendances
Fix the agreement mistake
attendance
show examples
 of
pop
Use synonyms
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
n
Correct your spelling
in
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 aged 45-54 was 13%, higher than classical
music
Use synonyms
events
Use synonyms
 with just 10%.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, music, events, pop, groups, age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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