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Band 6.5

Consumption of the world's resources (such as oil, fresh water, etc) is increasing at a dangerously fast rate. What are the causes of this increased consumption? What can people do to reduce it?

#consumption #world #resources #oil #water #rate #people
The world's
resources
such
 as oil, fresh
water
, etc are consumed at a swift and dangerous rate. In
this
 essay, the causes of
this
 matter and the solution to reduce it by citizens will be outlined before reaching a conclusion.
To begin
 with, there are several reasons that individuals need to
use
resources
, and one of the most significant is that it is essential on a daily basis. To elaborate
further
, oil is mostly used to run the engine of vehicles and helps citizens to commute back and forth.
Moreover
, a resource like
water
 is normally used in households, almost in every activity.
For instance
, in my diary routines, I need to take a shower after I wake up and get back from my workplace, but sometimes I
also
 take a bath after I finish my regular workout which is around 6 days a week.
In addition
, my car, which I
use
 every day to commute from my home to my office, has high CC which in turn needs a lot of oil to run the engine.
On the other hand
, it is a fact that there are many solutions to mitigate
this
 matter, and the most crucial one is to
pressure
 the states. To explain
this
 in greater detail, we can group up and
pressure
 them to depreciate the price of EV cars
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 is far too high compared to the old-fashioned car.
Furthermore
, we need the government to set up initiatives to control the
use
 of
water
 in each household.
For example
. in my city, we once grouped up in order to
pressure
 the authorities to reduce the price of EVs, so that we can change our old cars into new environmentally friendly cars.
Besides
, we were facing a drought at that time,
we
Correct word choice
and we
show examples
 needed those authorities to put the
water
 usage restriction in place, so the community still had
water
 to
use
.
Overall
, it is undeniable that the world's
resources
 are used at a dangerously fast rate as it is what we normally
use
 in our daily lives.
Therefore
, it is our
responsibilities
Fix the agreement mistake
responsibility
show examples
 to collaborate together and
pressure
 the governments to take action, helping us to save the valuable
resources
 of the world.
Submitted by nnatthinee on

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coherence cohesion
You have effectively introduced and concluded your essay, providing a clear structure. However, consider making your points more clearly connected within each paragraph. A few linking words and phrases would make your essay flow better and improve its readability.
task achievement
Your essay covers both parts of the task adequately. To enhance the clarity and sophistication of your ideas, try to elaborate more on your points with additional details and examples. This will make your arguments stronger and more convincing.
task achievement
The use of specific examples is good and helps support your essay. However, try to provide more varied examples to illustrate your points in different contexts. This will demonstrate a broader understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and effectively set up and summarize your essay.
task achievement
You have used relevant and specific examples to support your points, which shows good understanding and engagement with the topic.
task achievement
Your essay stays on topic and fully addresses the question, which is commendable.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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