IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 1.5

Some people think that the increase in the number of obese people should be the responsibility of the government, while others think that it should be the responsibility of individuals. Discuss both sides and give your oppinion.

#people #responsibility #government #individuals #oppinion
During the
last
 years, there has been a faster growth
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the percentage of people suffering from obesity, which affects the entire health system.
While
 some individuals may think that the best solution could be found in the schools, by giving more hours of physical education to the students I differ almost for complete. If the solution to
overweight
Add an article
the overweight
show examples
 problem were as simple as adding hours of physical activities to the
schools
Fix the agreement mistake
school
show examples
 curriculum, I am pretty sure that a long time ago, that problem would have been
erradicated
Correct your spelling
eradicated
, but the truth is that the real root of that
matter
Add an article
the matter
show examples
 goes much deeper, and in order to fix it is necessary to take more aspects in
account
Add an article
the account
an account
show examples
.
Submitted by otiyog on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
To strengthen your essay, it would be helpful to provide more specific examples or evidence to support your arguments. For instance, citing studies or real-life instances of government interventions or individual efforts would make the discussion more concrete.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction is clear, but it would be beneficial to restate the question or provide a precise thesis statement to clearly outline what your essay will discuss.
coherence cohesion
It is important to include a conclusion that sums up your arguments and clearly states your own opinion, tying the discussion back to the prompt.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear focus and addresses the topic adequately.
task achievement
You have made an effort to discuss both viewpoints and provide your perspective, showcasing a balanced approach.
coherence cohesion
The essay follows a logical structure, making it relatively easy to follow your arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: