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Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

The number of outweigh children in developed countries increasing. Some people think this is due to problems such as the growing number of fast-food outlets. Others believe that parents are to blame for not looking after their children’s health. To what extent do you agree with views?

#children #countries #people #fast-food #outlets #parents #children’s #health
Most
children
 in developed countries have high weight problems. Some people think that
,
Remove the comma
apply
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fast-food
Correct your spelling
fast food
show examples
 is the cause of
this
. Others of them say that parents do not control
children
 until they have enough. Fast food is a type of food
that is
 usually prepared and served quickly in facilities
such
 as restaurants and cafes. When we go to any place, we prefer fast to quickly meet
us
Correct pronoun usage
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to eat.
These today’s
Correct determiner usage
Today’s
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 foods include pizza, burgers, sandwiches
and
Correct word choice
apply
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etc. When you consume too much
these
Change preposition
of these
show examples
 foods, it can cause damage to the digestive system, heart,
immune
Correct word choice
and immune
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 system. Recently,
children
 used these high-calorie and fatty foods more and more often, and
this
 leads to obesity in them. So, the weight in the body begins to increase.
This
 is a risk
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the future health of that child. Some parents really don’t look after their
children
’s health. Some of them don’t have enough time for
this
. It is necessary to strictly monitor the child’s healthy diet. Taking a lot of vitamins at an early age is considered a big factor in strengthening the immune system. In conclusion, the influence of both ideas on
children
’s
weigh
Correct your spelling
weight
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 gain is great. Both of them
related
Add a missing verb
are related
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each
Change preposition
to each
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 other. I think parents should not allow their
children
 to eat too much
fast-food
Correct your spelling
fast food
show examples
.
Submitted by i.nureddinn on

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task response
The essay needs a clearer introduction that defines the topic and states the writer's position. This sets the stage for better understanding and assessment.
task response
Each body paragraph should focus on one main point and fully develop it with supporting details and examples. The first body paragraph can elaborate more on why fast food outlets are to blame; the second can focus on the role of parents.
coherence cohesion
Transitions between paragraphs and ideas should be smoother. Using cohesive devices like 'furthermore,' 'moreover,' or 'however' can help the essay flow better.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should summarize the main points discussed in the essay and restate the writer's position in a clear and concise manner.
coherence cohesion
Strive to use varied and accurate vocabulary and sentence structures to convey ideas more effectively.
task response
Your essay addresses the prompt by discussing fast food and parental responsibility in relation to children's weight issues.
task response
You provide relevant points about the effects of fast food and the role of parents in children's diet and health.
coherence cohesion
The essay has clear paragraphs, making it easier to follow the argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
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