IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Topic-New technology have changed the way children spend their free time .Do the advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

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In
this
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 day and age, the advent of technological innovation has shaped the way
children
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 use their free
time
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.
This
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 essay attempts to shed light on both the merits and demerits of
this
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 tendency before concluding that I am in
favor
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favour
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 of the former notion. On the one hand, the use of technological gadgets by
children
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 could be fraught with pitfalls. One reason is that it could affect
children
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's health nowadays. To simplify,
children
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 spending their recreational
time
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 using gadgets would definitely reduce their exercise
time
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 in a day. If that bad habit  continuously occurs, the young will easily lead to health deterioration
such
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 as suffering from obesity or cardiovascular diseases. Another reason is that it could be attributable to family conflicts.
In other words
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, with the overuse of technological appliances,
children
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 would spend less
time
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 engaging in conversations with parents,
hence
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, building an emotional boundary with each other.
As a result
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,
this
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 acts as a precursor to the huge gap in family relationships between parents and
children
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.
On the other hand
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, there are a host of compelling reasons as to why I am convinced that
this
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 trend could be beneficial to the young. First and foremost, hi-tech devices play a pivotal role in
self-study
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the self-study
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 of
children
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.
For example
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, Vietnamese students of all ages could get access to some applications, namely Duolingo or Qanda, which provide a range of lessons for Maths and English
together with
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 useful learning methods to help them learn effectively without guidance.
Secondly
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, social networking applications could enable the young to make new friends all over the world that match their interests.
This
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 is to say,
children
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 can deeply broaden their knowledge. In conclusion,
while
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 it is irrefutable that fast-paced technological innovation could be detrimental to
children
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 to some extent. I would contend that the advantages of it are significantly more noteworthy.

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style
While your essay addresses the task completely and the ideas are clear and comprehensive, consider using a greater variety of sentence structures to enhance readability. This will make the essay more engaging and dynamic.
style
Your essay presents a logical structure with well-supported main points. However, try to include more varied vocabulary to avoid repetition and enrich the text. This will add depth and sophistication to your writing.
content
You've done a great job in maintaining a logical flow and clear structure throughout your essay. This makes it easy for readers to follow your arguments.
structure
The introduction clearly sets up the topic, and the conclusion effectively summarizes your points and states your stance. This provides a sense of closure to your essay.
content
You have supported your main points with relevant examples, making your arguments more convincing. Using examples enriches your essay and demonstrates your understanding of the topic.
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