A lot of people believe that the amount of violence shown on TV and in the cinema affects the actions of our young people and therefore increases the amount of violence in our society today. Do you agree or disagree with this statement? What can be done to reduce violence in our society today?
Violence on
television
and in computer games
has been a matter of different opinions, some people think that it influencespeople's
behaviour with a damaging effect on the population. Others disagree with Correct your spelling
influences people's
such
a statement, they believe that these factors do not have a significant consequence on society. In my opinion, everything shown on television
and in computer games
have some level of influence on some individuals, but not in society, the people´s behaviou
does not depend on what those influences could bring to a person, Correct your spelling
behaviour
instead
it depends on all the things that surround people’s education, Add a comma
instead,
such
as family, schools, friends, and so on.
Above all
, I would like to share my personal experience, I grew up gaming with my brothers and friends in my neighbourhood; we played a game, so called
"violent Add a hyphen
so-called
games
". This
was not a bad influence on me; what made me what I am today is the lessons from my parents and my teachers. Indeed, I find that video
games
are a source of relaxation,
and stress management.
Remove the comma
apply
As well as
that, television
influences some individuals, it has a big number of topics within their shows. Nowadays, violence, sex, gendering, gaming, and robbers, are the most exciting kinds of movies people watch; if they influenced them, it would be a "hell of a planet". This
shows that it is not such
a bad influence, but our values, principles and education that teach us how to deal with the kind of shows we watch.
In contrast
, there are some individuals who do not know how to avoid bad
influences of violent Correct article usage
the bad
video
games
, that
end in a bunch of terrorist acts, some based on personal differences Correct pronoun usage
which
such
as cultural, racism that has been taking place in some cities in the United States of America, and some times In Europe as well; such
tragic events should be blamed on the individual not
on the Add the comma(s)
, not
video
games
.
To summarize, video
games
and violence on television
will always be present, but that is
not an excuse to behave the same way as shown, it is on each of us, how we participate and behave in community
. Our background, our families, schools, etc, help us build our principles and values Correct article usage
the community
thus
influencing us the proper way.Submitted by otiyog on
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task achievement
Your essay does a good job in addressing the prompt, but it would benefit from a more clear and concise thesis statement in the introduction to better guide the reader.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and evidence to support your points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Work on providing a more logical structure to your paragraphs. Make sure each paragraph clearly supports your overall argument and flows logically from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition of ideas and phrases. Try to vary your language and sentence structures to maintain reader interest and demonstrate a range of vocabulary.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion which helps in making your essay coherent.
task achievement
You provide personal examples to support your arguments. This helps in making your essay more relatable and realistic.
Fully explain your ideas
To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).
For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:
- Paragraph 1 - Introduction
- Sentence 1 - Background statement
- Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
- Sentence 3 - Thesis
- Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
- Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
- Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
- Sentence 2 - Example
- Sentence 3 - Discussion
- Sentence 4 - Conclusion
- Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
- Sentence 1 - Summary
- Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
- Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation
Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.
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