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Band 4.5

Out of a country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to spending on health education and preventative measures. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#country #health #budget #proportion #treatment #education #measures
These days, some people think that spending money on
health
education
 is better than
treatment
. The government should increase
health
 in
society
. I agree with
this
 statement and in
this
 essay, I'll try to explain why.
Firstly
, when we focus on
health
education
, we need fewer resources than in
treatment
 and the government can plan for a happier population.
For instance
, the money spent on sports or
health
education
 is way less than the
treatment
 of a patient and the government can save money to increase the quality of life.
Treatment
 is more expensive than studying a good lifestyle for
society
 and if we improve the healthy lifestyle we will have a dynamic population.
Secondly
, when we extend
health
education
, in fact, we improve life expectancy and will have happier people.
For example
, the
society
 that spends its budget on sports has happier people and they are more beneficial for their country. Actually, I believe that every single person can make a good and healthy
society
 in every part;
for instance
, motivation, a happier life, a good relationship between family members, and mental
health
.
Submitted by hamedborna on

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introduction conclusion present
You have provided a clear response to the prompt and expressed agreement with the statement. However, the essay would benefit from a more comprehensive structure. Consider adding a clear conclusion to summarize your main points and reinforce your argument.
logical structure
While you have logical points, the structure can be improved for clarity. Ensure each paragraph focuses on a single main point and transitions smoothly to the next. You can use clear topic sentences to start each paragraph.
relevant specific examples
To strengthen your essay, include more specific examples and data to support your arguments. This will make your points more convincing and relevant.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay includes a clear introduction, stating your agreement with the prompt, which sets a solid foundation.
complete response
The ideas in your essay are relevant and align well with the question asked, addressing the importance of health education and preventative measures.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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