IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many manufacturers food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems, Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#manufacturers #food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people
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There is no denying the fact that sugary
food
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 products have many side effects.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that
food
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 that contains
sugar
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 would
causes
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cause
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 various health issues, which needs to raise the costs of
sugar
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 categories and encourage less sweets usage, there
are
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is
show examples
also
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 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that high prices
not
Add a missing verb
are not
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 a solution to avoid
consumption
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the consumption
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 of
sugar
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.
To begin
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 with,
expensiveness
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the expensiveness
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 of products may
increased
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increase
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 the hunger circumstances prospects.
In other words
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,
un-equal
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unequal
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 life standards
leads
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lead
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 to financial problems.
For example
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, in London, the number of street homeless has rapidly climbed up nearly to 87% in 2023, because families
was
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were
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 not able to provide expensive
food
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 for their kids, and that why poor individuals was gradually
spreads
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spread
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 around the city. Another point to consider, the country’s economic system would be under pressure if
human’s
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human
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 behaviours
change
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changed
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 to
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a minilisim
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minilisim
Correct your spelling
minimalism
 lifestyle, which is defined as
,
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apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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less use of all life needs. It is
also
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 possible to say that
global
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the global
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food
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 market and agriculture agencies going to face a number of threats.
Moreover
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, if the decision
maker’s
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makers
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 change
sugar
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 prices,
then
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 the suppliers will suffer from
sales
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a sales
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 drop in
sugar
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 items,
consequently
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, there
are
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is
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 no chance for commercial competition.
For instance
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, during the
Coved 19
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COVID-19
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pandemic
Add a comma
pandemic,
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 the external communities
feel
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felt
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anger
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angry
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 and unsatisfied after the
food
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 costs
climb
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climbed
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. In conclusion, despite people have different views, I believe that the majority of
food
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 types have their own benefits and negatives, and their significance may vary depending on individuals preferences and situations.
Submitted by alsalhijohara on

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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that you address all parts of the question. While you correctly presented an opinion against raising the prices of sugary products, the essay could have discussed the opposing view in more detail to provide a balanced argument.
task achievement
For clearer ideas, try breaking down your points into more distinct paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea or argument, backed up with examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, make sure your arguments flow logically from one to another. Using a variety of linking phrases and words can help achieve this.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph flows naturally into the next. Avoid jumping between ideas without clear transitions.
supported main points
Make sure your main points are thoroughly supported with specific and relevant examples. This helps to strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
task achievement
You have made an effort to address the topic with relevant points, such as the potential economic implications of raising sugar prices.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, providing a clear structure for the reader.
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