IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Many manufacturers food and drink products contain high level of sugar, which causes many health problems, Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#manufacturers #food #drink #products #level #sugar #health #people
There is no denying the fact that sugary
food
 products have many side effects.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that
food
 that contains
sugar
 would
causes
Change the verb form
cause
show examples
 various health issues, which needs to raise the costs of
sugar
 categories and encourage less sweets usage, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
also
 an argument that opposes it. In my opinion, I consider that high prices
not
Add a missing verb
are not
show examples
 a solution to avoid
consumption
Correct article usage
the consumption
show examples
 of
sugar
.
To begin
 with,
expensiveness
Correct article usage
the expensiveness
show examples
 of products may
increased
Change the verb form
increase
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 the hunger circumstances prospects.
In other words
,
un-equal
Correct your spelling
unequal
show examples
 life standards
leads
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lead
show examples
 to financial problems.
For example
, in London, the number of street homeless has rapidly climbed up nearly to 87% in 2023, because families
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 not able to provide expensive
food
 for their kids, and that why poor individuals was gradually
spreads
Wrong verb form
spread
show examples
 around the city. Another point to consider, the country’s economic system would be under pressure if
human’s
Change noun form
human
show examples
 behaviours
change
Wrong verb form
changed
show examples
 to
Correct article usage
a minilisim
show examples
minilisim
Correct your spelling
minimalism
 lifestyle, which is defined as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
less use of all life needs. It is
also
 possible to say that
global
Correct article usage
the global
show examples
food
 market and agriculture agencies going to face a number of threats.
Moreover
, if the decision
maker’s
Change noun form
makers
show examples
 change
sugar
 prices,
then
 the suppliers will suffer from
sales
Correct article usage
a sales
show examples
 drop in
sugar
 items,
consequently
, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 no chance for commercial competition.
For instance
, during the
Coved 19
Replace the word
COVID-19
show examples
pandemic
Add a comma
pandemic,
show examples
 the external communities
feel
Wrong verb form
felt
show examples
anger
Replace the word
angry
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 and unsatisfied after the
food
 costs
climb
Wrong verb form
climbed
show examples
. In conclusion, despite people have different views, I believe that the majority of
food
 types have their own benefits and negatives, and their significance may vary depending on individuals preferences and situations.
Submitted by alsalhijohara on

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task achievement
To improve task response, ensure that you address all parts of the question. While you correctly presented an opinion against raising the prices of sugary products, the essay could have discussed the opposing view in more detail to provide a balanced argument.
task achievement
For clearer ideas, try breaking down your points into more distinct paragraphs. Each paragraph should focus on a single idea or argument, backed up with examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, make sure your arguments flow logically from one to another. Using a variety of linking phrases and words can help achieve this.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph flows naturally into the next. Avoid jumping between ideas without clear transitions.
supported main points
Make sure your main points are thoroughly supported with specific and relevant examples. This helps to strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
task achievement
You have made an effort to address the topic with relevant points, such as the potential economic implications of raising sugar prices.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay includes both an introduction and a conclusion, providing a clear structure for the reader.
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