IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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Music
Use synonyms
 is one of the most crucial types of art and it has evolved at the same speed with the advance of humanity.
For
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this
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 reason, most people argue that it is linked to our cultures. I staunchly believe that
music
Use synonyms
 has a myriad of merits, among them it is considered a valuable method for knowing the deepest roots of different cultures. In
this
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 essay, I will explain my reasons in detail.
To begin
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 with,
music
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 was created as a source of pleasure
due to
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 the impact that has on our brains by stimulating the release of neurotransmitters.
Thus
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, currently, there are hundreds of genres that inspire our lives daily
such
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 as 'Country', 'Jazz', 'Rap', 'Opera', etc.
However
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, despite being one of the most common leisure activities, many people use it as a resource of historical information, mainly those songs or artists that have widely influenced our communities.
For instance
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, in Colombia, it is mandatory that teachers who dictate art classes must give lectures about the most remarkable events related to
music
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.
As a consequence
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 of
this
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, most students have a strong sense of belonging when they are practising and composing their own lyrics.
Additionally
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, there are many songs that have been considered inappropriate content with controversial meanings
due to
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 their messages against social issues that most communities have faced.
Therefore
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, some musicians are criticized and even listening to their songs is not allowed.
For example
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, in Venezuela, there was a rapper called "Canserbero" who used to criticize the governors in his Country in order to struggle in favour of the rights of the population.
Finally
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, he died owing to unknown reasons, and many other rappers have begged for justice for his crime in their compositions.
To sum up
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,
music
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 is an artistic way to learn more about other kinds of information
such
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 as history and cultural events.
This
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 should be appreciated not only because of the pleasure that generates us but
also
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 the invaluable meaning in humankind.

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general
Your essay would benefit from a clearer thesis statement in the introduction, outlining your main points. This helps readers understand the direction and scope of the essay from the beginning.
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Try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that all sentences within the paragraph support that main idea.
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Consider providing more specific examples to support your claims, especially in the second body paragraph. This will make your arguments more convincing.
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Proofread your essay to avoid minor grammatical errors, such as 'dictate art classes' (should be 'teach art classes') and 'due to the impact that has' (should be 'due to the impact it has'). These small mistakes can affect the overall flow of your writing.
general
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps in maintaining coherence and cohesion throughout the piece.
general
You made good use of relevant examples, particularly in the first body paragraph, to support your points.
general
Your language is varied and sophisticated, which enhances the readability and overall quality of the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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