IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In spite of the advances made in agriculture, many people around the world still go hungry. Why is this the case? What can be done about this problem?

#spite #advances #agriculture #people #world #case
Nowadays, there are some developments in many aspects of agriculture.
However
, some
people
 are still struggling to feed their families. The main reason is the huge
economical
Replace the word
economic
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and
Correct word choice
apply
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gap between one city to another.
First,
the number of
people
 with low income is still high.
Furthermore
, there are unemployed
people
 out there because of the job shortage, especially the ones who live in the small city.
Then
, the infrastructure from the big cities to the small ones is not ready.
As a result
, the logistics cost to transport the food from one point to another is higher. In a similar way, the food price is more expensive. From the regulation side, the government should evaluate their employment law for the public.
In addition
, they should review the data of jobless
people
 and help them to secure their jobs.
For example
, they can give tax incentives to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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poor families, so it is easier for them to afford what they need. Some of them do not understand how to do
a
Correct article usage
apply
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business. The government can
make
Correct your spelling
take
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this
 initiative to help them develop their own business. I recommend the Minister of Land and Infrastructure
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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create a master plan to link one city to the others. They can choose the best technology to build it, so the construction will be finished in a short time. In consequence, the transport cost to deliver the food will be cheaper. In conclusion, the big differences
of
Change preposition
in
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 the
economy
Replace the word
economic
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 condition
is
Change the verb form
are
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 the main problem. There are three solutions that can be taken, from law, education, and infrastructure.
Submitted by vito.naufal on

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task achievement
While the essay has a logical structure and clear intent, the explanation of the main causes and solutions could be expanded further. Strengthen your task response by providing more detailed and specific examples to support your points.
language use
There are a few minor grammatical errors and awkward phrases. Polishing the language and improving sentence variety will help enhance clarity and readability.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph develops a single clear idea and uses examples to support that idea throughout. For example, elaborating on how a specific law or infrastructure project might impact food distribution costs could add depth to your argument.
overall structure
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, outlining the issue and summarizing the proposed solutions neatly.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task effectively by naming specific reasons for hunger and proposing several plausible solutions.
coherence cohesion
The flow of ideas is logical and each paragraph attempts to tackle a specific aspect of the problem or solution.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • inequality
  • distribution
  • access to resources
  • climate change
  • natural disasters
  • political factors
  • economic factors
  • agricultural practices
  • infrastructure
  • transportation
  • population growth
  • education
  • knowledge
  • food waste
What to do next:
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