In some countries, there has been an increase in the number of parents who educate their children themselves at home instead of sending them to school. Do you think the advantage of this outweigh the disadvantages?

There has been a rising number of
children
experiencing homeschooling
instead
of attending traditional schools. In my opinion, I strongly advocate that the benefits do not outweigh the drawbacks. Nowadays,
parents
prefer to teach their
children
at home in order to spend more quality
time
with their
offsprings
Fix the agreement mistake
offspring
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,
while
allowing the
children
to study at their own
paces
Fix the agreement mistake
pace
show examples
. To illustrate, many researches have shown that young people having
time
working
together with
their
parents
from
very
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a very
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young age would develop stronger and more stable mental health.
Moreover
, by studying at home,
parents
can understand the intellectual capacity of their
children
,
hence
setting the correct pace for them to achieve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
optimal results.
Nevertheless
, homeschoolers lack the experience of studying with friends, which could help them build the soft skills that are required for their future career endeavours. 
For instance
, students at schools will usually be involved in team projects, which enable them to learn how to work with one another.
In addition
, the school projects
also
help the students acquire
time
management skills,
gaining
Wrong verb form
gain
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multitasking ability
as well as
dealing
Wrong verb form
deal
show examples
with deadlines and pressure.
Moreover
, the
homeschool
Replace the word
homeschooled
show examples
children
could not benefit from the infrastructure of ordinary schools, including libraries, laboratories or sporting facilities . In fact, it is the hands-on experience
achieving
Wrong verb form
achieved
show examples
through doing lab projects, or the practices on the running tracks that helps to build young people into all-rounded individuals ready for the workforce. In conclusion, it is my strongly held belief that homeschooling,
although
having the benefits of allowing bonding
time
for
parents
and
children
, is not an advantageous choice for
children
to develop and be ready for
the
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apply
show examples
future jobs.
Submitted by kimtruong270192 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on improving the logical structure of the essay. Some transitions between ideas could be smoother to enhance the overall flow.
task achievement
While the essay provides a complete response to the prompt, try to deepen the analysis of both advantages and disadvantages for a more balanced view.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph centers on a single main idea and that all points directly support this idea. This will improve clarity and coherence.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which help in framing the discussion well.
task achievement
The use of relevant and specific examples strengthens the arguments made, making the essay more persuasive.
task achievement
The essay adequately covers both the benefits and drawbacks of homeschooling, providing a holistic view.

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