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Band 7

The provided bar chart depicts the changes in the percentage of overweight males and females in Australia over a thirty-year period, from 1980 to 2010.

The provided bar chart depicts the changes in the percentage of overweight males and females in Australia over a thirty-year period, from 1980 to 2010.
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The provided bar chart depicts the changes in the percentage of overweight males and females in Australia over a thirty-year period, from 1980 to 2010. A glance at the chart reveals that
,
Remove the comma
apply

It appears that you have an unnecessary comma after the subordinating conjunction that. Consider removing the comma.

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 the data shows a rising trend in the percentage of stout individuals for both genders over the three decades. In 1980, the proportion of corpulent
men
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 in Australia was just below 50%,
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 for
women
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 it was around 30%. Over the following decade, the proportion of obese
men
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 increased slightly to over 50%,
whereas
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.
women
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 experienced a significant rise to about 40%. By 2000, the fraction of plump
men
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 peaked at close to 70% and remained stable until 2010.
Similarly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, the allotment
pudgy
Change preposition
of pudgy

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

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women
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.
also
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 saw an increase, reaching over 50% in 2000 and near 60% in 2010. The data indicates a consistent upward trajectory in the prevalence of fat individuals, with
women
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 consistently lower than
men
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 throughout the observed period.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 100%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words men, women with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "provided" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "changes" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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