IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In many countries, fast food is becoming cheaper ans more widely available. Do the disadvantages of this outweigh the advantages?

#countries #food #ans #outweigh
There are widely differing views on the issue of whether fast
food
 is
dramatic increase
Replace the word
dramatically increasing
show examples
 in the major countries around the world or not.l totally agree that
Correct article usage
the
show examples
demerits
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
outweigh
by
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the merits. There are two principal reasons for
this
. One point which I believe to be absolutely
privotal
Correct your spelling
pivotal
 is the fact that fast
food
 is harmful
for
Change the preposition
to
show examples
people
's
digest
Replace the word
digestive
show examples
 system.It is
irrefutable
Correct article usage
an irrefutable
show examples
 fact that individuals are consuming more fast
food
 as their main meal.Take
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 example of Russia ,where approximately 87% of
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
 tends to eat junk
food
such
 as KFC
a
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 supposes it is prepared instant and much cheaper than wholesome
food
.The majority of governments constantly produce fast
food
 and commodities are exported to other countries by admistrations.An excellent example is Canadian inhabitants,who always have a problem of obesity and they may not even avoid
this
 trouble by
even
Rephrase
apply
show examples
eating.
Nevertheless
,it is an undeniable fact that consuming fast
food
 to excess results in serious health
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
.
Food
such
 as chips , burgers and fried
chickens
Fix the agreement mistake
chicken
show examples
 which are incredibly high in fat and salt are responsible for
gut
Correct article usage
the gut
show examples
such
 ill as
blod
Correct your spelling
blood
 pressure and
digest
Replace the word
digestive
show examples
 system .The
McDonalds
Change noun form
Mcdonald's
Mcdonalds'
show examples
clown
Capitalize word
Clown
show examples
 is a good example of
this
 kind of junk
food
.
On the other hand
 ,another key reason that illustrates how crucial it is to have a beneficial effect .
People
 who
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
utilize fast
food
 as
main
Correct pronoun usage
their main
show examples
 meal .Some
people
 suggest that it is their right to the advantage of eating fast
food
 which can save
people's
Change noun form
people
show examples
 money and time.
To sum up
, it seems to me that the potential dangers of fast
food
 are more significant than the possible benefits.
Submitted by Shaxnoza on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that you clearly state your position in the introduction. Although you mentioned agreeing that demerits outweigh the merits, the statement was somewhat unclear. Clarifying this in the introduction would set a stronger foundation for your essay.
coherence cohesion
Enhance your use of linking words and phrases to improve the logical flow of your ideas. For example, using transitions such as 'Firstly,' 'Furthermore,' and 'Finally' can help guide the reader through your points.
coherence cohesion
Pay close attention to grammatical accuracy and sentence structure. For instance, correct phrases such as 'dramatic increase in the major countries' to 'dramatic increase in many major countries'. This will help in making your ideas more comprehensible.
task achievement
Provide specific examples and statistics with clear sources where possible. For instance, avoid vague phrases like 'approximately 87% of population' without a source or context. This will add credibility to your argument.
task achievement
You have made a clear effort to address both sides of the argument, acknowledging potential benefits of fast food despite your stance on its disadvantages.
task achievement
You provided relevant examples, such as mentioning Russia and Canada, to support your points. This demonstrates an understanding of the topic's global relevance.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: