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Band 5

In some countries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important for people. why might this be the case? Do you thinkthis is a positive or negative situation?

#countries #home #people #be #case #thinkthis #situation
It is true that in some
countries
,
people
 are recommended to have their own
house
 rather than rental ones or apartments.
However
, I personally think
this
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
actually costs too much in vain and living in humble but comfortable rental
houses
 or apartment
houses
 at reasonable
price
Fix the agreement mistake
prices
show examples
 will allow us to put more money
on
Change preposition
into
show examples
 what we really want to do. I will explain
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 theme with elaborate examples below.
First,
in
countries
 where
people
 are urged to buy new
houses
, their general goal of life is to have a family and
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
shelter
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own.
Along with
 their course of growing up, they are
imput
Correct your spelling
input
 an idea that marrying, having your own
house
 and raising a kid or two is the most important thing in life.
Nevertheless
, as more and more
style
Fix the agreement mistake
styles
show examples
 of living are accepted on the merge of SNS and online information platforms
such
 as Facebook and Youtube
for instance
,
people
 tend to think
such
single
Correct article usage
a single
show examples
 pattern of living is trivial and not interesting. In fact, there are more couples with no kids or single households than before in so-called developed
countries
 like Britain, the U.S. and Japan. Those without their own
houses
 spent much money on travelling abroad and on experiences and
this
 is the most popular reason
not
Change preposition
for not
show examples
 having a
house
according to
 the recent
questionare
Correct your spelling
questions
 done in Japan in 2023. On top
pf
Correct your spelling
of
show examples
this
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments and
realestate
Correct your spelling
real estate
real-estate
 agencies
tackle
Verb problem
try
show examples
 to gain as much money as possible from
people
's activities of buying
houses
 in some prefectures or
countries
. They do not think of their
people
's happiness, rather, they think of the revenue as a tax.
For example
, one of the
merit
Change to a plural noun
merits
show examples
 of having your own
house
 is the stability of living and the strong connection between the local society and we usually think we want to stay at the
house
 we
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
show examples
 for a life-long period of time until we die,
although
 it is selling the precious
house
 at lower price than before
at the end
 of our lives that happens so often in the real world.
In addition
, I saw many elderlies became
deppressed
Correct your spelling
depressed
 when they encountered
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
fights for the
right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
show examples
 of households between their siblings.
Such
 problems would not happen if they lived in a rental
house
. We are forced to work hard to buy a
house
 and sell it
vain
Change preposition
in vain
show examples
. As I conclude, though in some
countries
people
 still think that having their own
house
 is necessary to express their status of living, more and more
people
 are becoming aware
that
is
Correct your spelling
it
show examples
 is a fallacy
by expanding
Change preposition
to expand
show examples
 their perspectives through the Internet. The
govenment
Correct your spelling
government
 should manage
this
 problem in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 way that more
people
 can live happily until they die in cooperation with
realestate
Correct your spelling
real estate
real-estate
 agencies.
Submitted by kana_ayaki on

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task achievement
To improve your score in task achievement, you could provide more nuanced perspectives and stronger arguments. For example, discussing both the merits and drawbacks of owning versus renting a home in more detail would make your essay more balanced.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, try to connect your ideas more logically and clearly. Transitional phrases like 'Additionally,' 'However,' and 'Furthermore' can help to smooth the flow of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Work on grammar and spelling to increase readability. Phrases like 'the government should manage this problem in the way that more people can live happily' could be simplified and clarified.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion, which is excellent.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples, such as the questionnaire done in Japan in 2023, which add credibility to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • symbol of stability
  • financial security
  • mortgage payments
  • long-term investment
  • appreciate over time
  • family legacy
  • personalization
  • community involvement
  • economic growth
  • vested interest
  • tax incentives
  • societal stability
  • housing solution
What to do next:
Look at other essays: