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Writing Samples
Band 6

It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behoviour in addition to providing formal education. Do you agree or disagree?

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Children
Use synonyms
 should be taught good
behaviour
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 by schools
as well as
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overall
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 education.
Although
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teachers
Use synonyms
 can affect
children
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's manner, I accept that
parents
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 are totally responsible for
children
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's
behaviour
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. It is a fact that
teachers
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 have a significant role in teaching good
behaviour
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. The main reason is that
children
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 spend nearly half a day at
school
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 with their friends and
teachers
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.
As a result
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,
teachers
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 could affect
children
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's
behaviour
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 by rules of etiquette, internal rules of the
school
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 and
teachers
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' role in the class during the education.
Moreover
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, the
school
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 environment
such
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 as friends and classmates could influence
children
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's manners. Because the behaviours of young people are the same as their peers.
According to
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 statistics, in Japan, pupils who have different types of
behaviour
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 are educated separately, as good
behaviour
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 pupils study in
a
Correct determiner usage
one
show examples
 class and bad
behaviour
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 pupils in other ones.
Therefore
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, schools are partially responsible for
children
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's
behaviour
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.
On the other hand
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, almost every child lives with their family. They go to
school
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 after six years old. By that time, they spend all their time with their
parents
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.
Parents
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 lead an example for
children
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 and
children
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 learn the basic habits from them. If the environment in the house is normal,
children
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 will be good
behaviour
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 smart and polite. Because
parents
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 are heroes, so
children
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 imitate them.
For example
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, from a statistical perspective, 70% of successful and rich people were born into intelligent families.
Thus
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, it is the duty of
parents
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 to teach good
behaviour
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. In conclusion, education is the main duty of schools.
However
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,
parents
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 are totally responsible for teaching
children
Use synonyms
 good
behaviour
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Your essay is well-organized overall, but make sure to have clear topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to clearly state your main idea.
task achievement
While your examples are relevant, consider providing a few more specific details or data points to fully support your arguments.
task achievement
Try to aim for a bit more consistency in your argument, making sure each point is equally well-developed.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument effectively.
task achievement
You provide relevant examples that help support your points, which strengthens your argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical flow that makes it easier for the reader to follow your ideas.
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