IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is the responsibility of schools to teach children good behoviour in addition to providing formal education. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#responsibility #schools #children #behoviour #addition #education
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Schools
 should not only focus on formal learning but
also
 actively positive character development in pupils.
This
 essay agrees that
schools
 need to educate formal education to pupils with together good
behaviour
 and
also
 parents focus on their
children
's
behaviour
.
Firstly
,
this
 essay will discuss that only
knowledge
 is given to
students
 at
school
 and
secondly
 the fact that the
school
 should teach the child
knowledge
 and
behaviour
. A
school
 is a place of education. If only education is provided in
schools
, if
behaviour
 is taught by parents to their
children
, the level of
knowledge
 of
children
 will be much higher.
Then
 all the attention of
teachers
 is focused on imparting
knowledge
.
Change preposition
In European
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European
Change preposition
In European
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 countries
Verb problem
apply
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are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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schools
 are an example:
teachers
 only teach
students
.
That is
 why the level of
knowledge
 of these
students
 is very high. Teaching
children
knowledge
 and
behaviour
 together can lead to great success in
children
. Not all parents can ensure good
behaviour
, but
teachers
 have years of experience. To do
this
, they can teach
behaviour
. A similar system is produced in Japan.
Students
 spend most of their time in
school
 learning and interacting with and learning from their
teachers
 most of the day. Behavior is taught
along with
 discipline.
For
this
 reason, the world knows and respects the
behaviour
 of the Japanese people, even the
children
 of letters, and recognizes Japan as the possessor of high morals. The role of the
school
 is very big in
this
,
that is
 the system which teaches the
teachers
knowledge
 and good
behaviour
 In conclusion,
schools
 should teach
behaviour
 and discipline together so that
children
 will have better
behaviour
 and stronger
knowledge
.
Submitted by makemoneyizzy16 on

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task achievement
Your essay needs a clearer thesis statement in the introduction to outline your main points and set the stage for your argument. Rephrase your introduction for clarity.
coherence cohesion
Work on structuring your essay in a more logical way. For example, clearly separate each point with appropriate paragraphs and connect them with transition signals to enhance the logical flow.
task achievement
Include more specific examples and explanations to support your points. For instance, elaborate on how specific aspects of character education can benefit students, using more detailed references.
task achievement
You have recognized the importance of both formal education and character development, which is key to addressing the prompt adequately.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion ties back to your main argument, summarizing your stance effectively, which helps in providing a clear ending to your essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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