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Writing Samples
Band 6

Unhealthy eating has a negative effect on both individuals and the society in which they live. Some people think that the government should tax unhealthy foods while others believe that a ‘fat tax’ is unfair and unnecessary. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion. Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#effect #individuals #society #people #government #tax #foods #‘fat #tax’
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The increased availability of instant
food
 and fast
food
 has revolutionised our eating habits which is detrimental both to the individuals that consume it and to society at large.
While
 some people believe that the government should impose taxation on unhealthy
foods
, others contend that may put a burden on poor families. In
this
 essay, I will explore the rationale for both beliefs and proffer justification for my own viewpoint. Compared to fresh and organic products, it is an undeniable fact that instant and fast
food
 items are both affordable and convenient. The major consumers of these products are, usually, less wealthy families,
hence
 the introduction of a "fax tax", may result in putting a financial burden on those families. Yet,
although
 I certainly agree that fast
food
 is affordable, the cost of treating the illness it causes in later life is significant. One point
which
Change preposition
in which
show examples
 I believe
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
taxation to be absolutely pivotal is the fact that consuming junk
foods
 to excess results in serious health problems.
Foods
such
 as fried chicken, hamburgers and chips - which are incredibly high in fat and salt - are responsible for health problems
as
Correct quantifier usage
such as
show examples
 high blood pressure, obesity and heart disease.
Moreover
, the cost of treating the illnesses it causes in later life is significant and it is frequently governments and society that cover these costs rather than the individual.
Hence
, I feel that taxing on these items would be entirely justified. By way of conclusion,
while
 consuming unhealthy
food
 is beneficial in the short term, its long-term effects are generally negative. Given the health risks associated with unhealthy
foods
, I believe that it is necessary for the government to impose a tax on them.
Submitted by puimei822 on

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task achievement
While the essay provides responses to the task and covers relevant points, it slightly lacks in providing comprehensive ideas and specifics. Adding more detailed arguments and specific examples would enhance the overall response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph transitions smoothly to the next. While the structure is logical, making connections between your ideas clearer would help improve cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which adds to its clarity.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well-supported with relevant arguments, adding to the essay's overall coherence and strength of argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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