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Writing Samples
Band 7

The first graph shows the number of train passengers from 2000 to 2009; the second compares the percentage of trains running on time and target in the period.

The first graph shows the number of train passengers from 2000 to 2009; the second compares the percentage of trains running on time and target in the period.
#first #train #passengers #second #percentage #trains #time #target #period
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The line graph illustrates
about
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apply
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the number of
passengers
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 who used
trains
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as well as
Linking Words
 the
percentage
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 of
trains
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 running on time between 2000 and 2009 in Japan.
Overall
Linking Words
, it is evident that, over the period, the portion of train
passengers
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 nearly
leveled
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levelled
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 off
while
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 the
percentage
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 of
trains
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 running on time fluctuated.
According to
Linking Words
 the data, the number of train patron recorded nearly between 35 and 40
million
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 throughout the first half of the period.
However
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, in 2003 and 2005, increased substantially from 36
million
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 to 46
million
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, respectively. And
then
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 constantly decreased and recorded 41
million
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 in 2009. Looking more closely, one can see that the
percentage
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 of
trains
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 running on time was recorded at 92% in 2000, which had a difference of 3% compared to the ordinary target. The figures increased by 96% until 2004.
However
Linking Words
, it decreased dramatically to 92% in 2006. During the period from 2005 to 2008, the
percentage
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 of
trains
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 running was at its lowest, despite a high number of
passengers
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.
In contrast
Linking Words
, in 2003, the
trains
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 ran more frequently but had fewer
passengers
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 compared to the other years.
Submitted by kopopig on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words passengers, trains, percentage, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "nearly" was used 2 times.
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