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Band 5

These days many young people are spending less time doing outdoor activities such as hiking, mountain climbing, and enjoying nature. What are the reasons for this? How can we encourage them to do more of these activities? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#people #time #activities #mountain #nature
Outdoor
activities
 are very essential to maintain a healthy body and mind.
However
, In recent days many
children
 are skipping these
activities
 for various types of reasons
specially
Replace the word
especially
show examples
 the huge impact of technology. In the next paragraphs . These reasons and how to overcome them will be discussed. The technological impact on
children
one
Add a missing verb
is one
show examples
 of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 of making
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 ignoring
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
outdoor
activities
due to
 the creation of virtual worlds like online
meeting
Fix the agreement mistake
meetings
show examples
, online games and many social platforms that these
children
wasting
Wrong verb form
waste
show examples
 a lot of
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 in
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
. following
to
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apply
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that, the tons of homework required by the teachers and the long school days that these
children
 have to attend,
moreover
, killing the green areas by building many houses and expanding the streets making it
more
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apply
show examples
harder for them to enjoy
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature or
doing
Wrong verb form
do
show examples
 any outdoor activity and that lead to
huge
Add an article
a huge
show examples
 health problem
such
 as obesity. Encouragement of
children
 to do outdoor
activities
 is very mandatory and
this
 can be done by the parents
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 enrolling their
children
 in clubs or sporting
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 and by schools via spreading
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
awareness of the risk of being obese and the diseases following it
,
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apply
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 and making a lot of trips to natural areas like mountains, gardens and the seaside. In conclusion, by stating the reasons
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
 dilemma and implementing the strategies to overcome them, we will have very mature
children
knowing
Wrong verb form
know
show examples
 the risk of skipping
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
outdoor
activities
 and the merits gained if they
committed
Wrong verb form
commit
show examples
 to it.
Submitted by besoyam on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your paragraphs flow smoothly from one to the next. Sometimes, transitions are abrupt or missing, which affects the readability of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction should be complete and not left hanging. Make sure to clearly state what points you will discuss.
task achievement
Try to provide more specific examples to support your points. Illustrating your arguments with concrete examples can strengthen your essay.
task achievement
While addressing multiple points, ensure each one is clearly developed and supported with evidence or examples.
task achievement
Be careful with grammatical errors and sentence structure. These can sometimes make your ideas less clear.
task achievement
You have addressed the task and provided reasons for why young people are spending less time outdoors as well as suggestions to encourage more outdoor activity.
coherence cohesion
You included an introduction and a conclusion, providing a clear framework for your essay.
coherence cohesion
Your essay is logically structured with each paragraph addressing a specific part of the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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