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Band 2

Topic 14: (25/06/2016) Some people think it is more important for government to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on the treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#topic #people #government #money #lifestyle #illness #treatment
health issues and obesity are
areguble
Correct your spelling
arguable
arguably
 nowadays, some
beileve
Correct your spelling
believe
 that government
spendings
Fix the agreement mistake
spending
show examples
 should be
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 promoting
Correct article usage
a
show examples
healthy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 to
prrevent
Correct your spelling
prevent
 illness rather than using it
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
teartment
Correct your spelling
treatment
. I totally agree with
for
Correct pronoun usage
this for
show examples
very
Add an article
a very
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 important reason and in
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
i
Change the capitalization
I
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 will explain and
proved
Verb problem
provide
show examples
 examples.
Firstly
,
beileve
Correct your spelling
believe
 that governments play
crucial
Add an article
a crucial
show examples
 role in it is
citizens
Change noun form
citizens'
citizen's
show examples
 well-being, for that government should promote
healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyles
show examples
 and
such
 as
proveding
Correct your spelling
providing
 information about healthy food and diet. Another
exmple
Correct your spelling
example
to promote
Change preposition
of promoting
show examples
healthy
Correct article usage
a healthy
show examples
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is by encouraging
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people to go to the gym and doing physical activities and spport the gym
onwers
Correct your spelling
owners
 to reduce the fees of
member ships
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memberships
show examples
 so anyone can join the gym easily even
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people with lower income.
seconly
Correct your spelling
Secondly
, The government should
but
Correct your spelling
put
show examples
 restrictions on consuming fast food and sugary drinks, That eventually will lead to less obesity in the whole population and that will reduce illness
overall
.
besides
 that, the
Submitted by abdullahnawaf_511 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay should have a clearer structure. Consider using paragraphs to separate your introduction, body, and conclusion. This will help the reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
Try to develop each main point more thoroughly. Providing more detailed examples and explaining their relevance will strengthen your argument.
task achievement
Pay attention to spelling and grammar mistakes. Proofreading your essay before submitting it can help catch these errors.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to have a clear introduction that states your position and outlines your main points. Similarly, a conclusion that summarizes your key arguments will help round off your essay effectively.
task achievement
You've made a clear stance on the issue, which is great. Stating your position unequivocally helps the reader understand your perspective.
task achievement
Your essay covers several relevant points on promoting a healthy lifestyle, such as information about healthy food, diet, and physical activities, which are very pertinent to the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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