IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.

The bar chart below shows the number of employed persons by job type and sex for Australia last year Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. You should write at least 150 words.
#bar #persons #job #type #sex #australia #year #summarise #information #features #comparisons
The
given
Verb problem
apply
show examples
bar chart illustrates the amount of both
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
employees
Change preposition
of employees
show examples
 in some types of jobs in
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 year.
Overall
, it can be seen that there were more men than women in all jobs,
excepting
Wrong verb form
except
show examples
 for professionals and
clerial
Correct your spelling
clerical
 which had more
females
Fix the agreement mistake
female
show examples
employees
.
Additionally
,
while
 tradespeople had the most
number
 of males, that of
females
 in
clerial
Correct your spelling
clerical
 during the survey. Regarding to 3 careers which had a
clearly
Change the adverb
clear
show examples
 difference in the
number
 of
employees
 in both
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
. As for managers, there were exactly 200000 men
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 for
this
 job, which was a third of that
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 women.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
 the same time, the
number
 of
females
 in tradespeople and production was more than 100000 people
while
 that of males in tradespeople was 9 times higher and that in production was nearly 6 times higher. Turning towards the
remaning catorgies
Correct your spelling
remaining categories
 where there was
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
liitle
Correct your spelling
little
 difference in the amount of male and female
employees
. In terms of professionals and
clerial
Correct your spelling
clerical
, the
number
 of males and
females
 was only approximately 50000 and 120000 people apart,respectively.
Likewise
, the difference between the
number
 of men and women in semi-professionals was about 150000 people.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words employees, females, number with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "difference" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Employment figures
  • Sectors
  • Significant disparities
  • Gender balance
  • Skewed
  • Trends
  • Patterns
  • Dominant
  • Inferred
  • Labor market
  • Year-on-year comparison
  • Insights
  • Implications
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