IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people believe that women should be treated as equal to men when applying for a job with police or the military. Others think women are less suitable for this kind of job. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #women #men #job #police
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There has been a discussion about whether
women
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 should be treated equally like
men
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 in military
jobs
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. The writer argues that they should have equal rights
due to
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 the support for
men
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's weakness and gender equality despite those who believe that
women
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 are not strong enough. It must be understood that
women
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 will make up for the area that
men
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 lack.
In other words
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, the
jobs
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 of law enforcement and the military consist of various types of departments
such
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 as giving advice or medical.
Although
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men
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 can do that work, it is still more effective when having the help of
women
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 since now they can reduce the workload and focus the
men
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 on more physical
jobs
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while
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women
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 are more empathetic and careful can handle aforementioned
jobs
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.
However
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, some people believe that the shortage of physical abilities makes
women
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 less suitable for the roles of law enforcement and military
jobs
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. Simply put,
women
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 were born naturally weaker than
men
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while
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such
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 types of
jobs
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 require a lot of strength and endurance to work for long hours so most
women
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 cannot catch up with these
jobs
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.
This
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 may be true but by taking part in training programs,
women
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 now are qualified for the
jobs
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 and can do them
as well as
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men
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.
This
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 is the writer's opinion that
women
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 should have the same opportunities as
men
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 because of the principle of equal rights.
That is
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 to say, in modern societies that value equality and non-discrimination, denying the
women
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 right to pursue careers in these fields is seen as unjust and outdated since
women
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 have proven their capabilities in various roles traditionally dominated by
men
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, demonstrating that they can perform equally well.
For example
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, a Russian woman called Mariya drove a tank in World War II and was promoted to the rank of sergeant. In conclusion,
although
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 it is undeniable that
women
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 are weaker than
men
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, people should give
women
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 an equal chance because they support
men
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 with their weaknesses and
due to
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 equality rights.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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task achievement
Ensure that all arguments are well-supported with specific examples, not just one example towards the end.
coherence cohesion
Work on linking ideas more smoothly between paragraphs and within them to make the essay more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
The introduction could provide a bit more background or context for the discussion. It currently dives straight into the points.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear opinion and addresses both views of the topic effectively.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion summarizes the main points and provides a clear stance, which strengthens the overall argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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