IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people think secondary school students should learn international news as one of their subjects, while others believe that this is a waste of valuable time. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #school #students #news #subjects #waste #time
Major of people
think
Change the verb form
thinks
show examples
 that
students
 of
junior-high-school
Correct your spelling
junior high school
show examples
 ought to learn international
new
Correct your spelling
news
show examples
 as one of their
subjects
while
 others believe that
this
 can be
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of valuable
time
. In my opinion, learning international
news
 can help
students
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
get
along with
globe
Correct article usage
the globe
show examples
 and it
also
enrich
Change the verb form
enriches
show examples
children
's knowledge. Nowadays,
children
 must study a
lot
 of
subjects
 at school so they do not have enough
time
 to learn a new subject and it can influence
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
time
 to learn main
subjects
 like math,
science
 or physics,..
Furthermore
, some main
subjects
 have a range of homework for
children
 to do, if
students
 must learn a
lot
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
, they
can
Verb problem
do
show examples
 not have enough
time
 to review and prepare for their exams
then
 their learning outcomes are reduced.
For example
, in many Asian
coutries
Correct your spelling
countries
 like China or Vietnam,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
 have to learn natural
science
 and social
science
then
 learning international
news
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
children
 overloaded so they can not learn
main
Correct article usage
the main
show examples
subjects
.
On the other hand
, learning intercontinental
news
 can get a
lot
 of benefits for the
children
.
This
 is because
children
 gain useful information about the world and easier
than
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
for them to become international
intergration
Correct your spelling
integration
. In the same way, I think that learning international
news
 can help secondary
school's
Change noun form
school
show examples
students
 enrich their knowledge.
Moreover
, they can have a
lot
 of comprehension to communicate with whole people in the world.
For instance
, in some developed countries like
American
Correct your spelling
America
show examples
, the
students
 not only learn natural
science
 but
also
 intercontinental
news
 about the world
then
 they have a wide range of chances to become more international
intergration
Correct your spelling
integration
.
Conclusion
Change preposition
In conclusion
show examples
,
junior-high-school
Correct your spelling
junior high school
show examples
students
 ought to learn international
news
 as one of their
subjects
 as it can enrich
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
children
's knowledge.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
While you have provided a clear introduction and conclusion, make sure your introduction explicitly states that you will discuss both views before presenting your opinion.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence, work on the logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Transitions would greatly help your essay.
task achievement
Your main points are clear but could be more comprehensive. Try to expand on your ideas and provide more specific examples or evidence to support them.
task achievement
Review grammatical accuracy and lexical resource use; a few errors were noticeable that could be improved. For example, 'intergration' should be 'integration' and 'intercontinental' should be 'international.'
coherence cohesion
You should aim to make the essay more academically formal, avoiding contractions and colloquial expressions.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear conclusion that effectively summarizes your position, which is a strong point.
task achievement
The essay attempts to discuss both sides of the argument, which is important for task fulfillment.
task achievement
There are evident efforts to justify your points with examples, such as those from Asian countries and developed nations. This helps to make your argument more compelling.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: