Some people believe that friends have a bigger impact on young people while others think parents and teachers inflence them more. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
It is undeniable that juveniles are easily
susceptical
Correct your spelling
sceptical
by
people in their surroundings. On Change preposition
to
this
matter, some individuals think that their social circle influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
on
them more Change preposition
apply
while
others oppose
that influences from Verb problem
argue
parents
and teachers is higher. In my opinion, friends have greater
Correct article usage
a greater
impacts
on them as they spend longer Fix the agreement mistake
impact
time
on
their daily lives. Change preposition
in
However
, this
essay intend
to explore deeply both points of view.
Change the verb form
intends
To begin
with, youngsters have a higher tendency of being
influenced Change preposition
to be
on
their characters, attitudes and thoughts as they are vulnerable and Change preposition
by
inmatured
. The exposure and spending hours are directly related to Correct your spelling
immature
matured
unmatured
this
matters
. These days, children are less likely Fix the agreement mistake
matter
spending
Change the verb form
to spend
time
with their parents
as their parents
are struggling for
their family's expenses and finances or they are busy with household chores. They can rarely gather at dinner Change preposition
with
time
. Consequently
, it is evident that influences from their parents
are minimum
.
Correct word choice
minimal
On the other hand
, children have more opportunities to spend longer times
with their friends from morning to evening at school or even after school. As a Fix the agreement mistake
time
conseqence
, they become more closedCorrect your spelling
consequence
,
and mimic characters and communication skills. Remove the comma
apply
Furthermore
, they share their thoughts and interests, which make
them deeply influenced each other. Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
Therefore
, influential power among them are
Change the verb form
is
substential
. Correct your spelling
substantial
Nevertheless
, since they are still young and are not capable to classify
either right or wrong, their guardians should not Change preposition
of classifying
left
them unattended. They should set aside Change the verb form
leave
be left
time
for them, thereby they can minor their behaviours and guide them.
To sum up
, it can be reiterated that exposure highly rely
on young people's character and behaviours. Regarding Change the verb form
relies
this
matter, it is clearly shown that peer can influence each other as they spend more time
together than their parents
.Submitted by ayepwintphyu02 on
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task achievement
Your introduction provides a clear statement of the topic and announces your intention to explore both views, which is good. However, there are some small grammatical errors and awkward phrasing that slightly impact clarity. Consider revising phrases like 'juveniles are easily susceptical by people' and 'influences from parents and teachers is higher.'
task achievement
The essay could be improved by including more specific examples or evidence to support your points. For instance, you could mention studies or anecdotes to illustrate how peers influence young people or how parental guidance can have a deep impact.
coherence cohesion
There are some spelling and grammatical errors that should be corrected to improve readability. Examples include 'susceptical' which should be 'susceptible,' 'inmatured' which should be 'immature,' and 'substential' which should be 'substantial.' Cleaning up these errors will enhance your task achievement score.
coherence cohesion
Your essay shows a good logical structure. The separation of arguments into distinct paragraphs helps guide the reader through your points effectively.
coherence cohesion
You have a solid introduction and conclusion, which neatly bookend your argument. This helps to provide a sense of completeness and ensures that your essay is clearly organized.
task achievement
Your ideas are generally clear and comprehensive. You do a good job of explaining why friends might have a greater impact on young people compared to parents and teachers.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+
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