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Band 4

Some people think that children should not watch television because it has negative effects, while others believe that televison helps children. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #children #television #effects #televison
Many
people
believed
Wrong verb form
believe
show examples
 that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
children
 should avoid watching
television
 because it could bring various negative impacts,
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 opponents think that
television
 could bring many benefits to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
children
. In my opinion, there are more disadvantages compared to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
benefits because spending too much time in front of the screen could disrupt
children
 from spending quality time with their family and
also
 it could bring
health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
show examples
complication
Fix the agreement mistake
complications
show examples
 in the long term. One of the distinct features of
television
 is that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 it enables
people
 to see new things and beautiful places without physically visiting the places.
Besides
, cartoon channels attract most of the juniors to live in their fantasy world.
As a result
,
television
distrupts
Correct your spelling
distorts
children
 from spending time with their parents to learn about manners and how to treat other
people
, which could lead to poor social skills when they
grew
Wrong verb form
grow
show examples
 up. Eyes deficiency is another
health related
Add a hyphen
health-related
show examples
 concern that could arise from spending many hours in front of the TV screen. Eyes are
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
 gentle part of our body and young
children
 may need extra care since their body cells and tissues tend to be more fragile and sensitive.
Moreover
, some
children
 even
loose
Correct your spelling
lose
show examples
appetites because they are too
immerse
Wrong verb form
immersed
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cartoon movies which could eventually
resulting
Change the verb form
result
be resulting
show examples
 in malnutrition. In conclusion, even though some
people
 think that watching
television
 has several benefits and
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
children
, there
seems
Change the verb form
seem
show examples
 to be more negative impacts.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task achievement
Ensure that each main point is fully developed with specific examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
Enhance coherence by using a wider range of cohesive devices appropriately and effectively.
task achievement
Make sure to address and balance the discussion of both views more evenly.
grammatical range and accuracy
Review grammatical structures and aim for greater accuracy to improve readability.
introduction conclusion
Introduction clearly states the topic and presents both views.
introduction conclusion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the writer's opinion.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task and provides a clear opinion backed by reasons.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with distinct paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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