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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The table below shows how the UK unemployed spent their time last year.

The table below shows how the UK unemployed spent their time last year.
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The
given
Verb problem
apply
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table graph illustrates how jobless people in the UK used their
time
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
 year.
Overall
Linking Words
,
men
Use synonyms
 used the largest amount of their
time
Use synonyms
 for
job
Use synonyms
 hunting and shopping in the morning
last
Linking Words
 year,
while
Linking Words
 women often spent their
time
Use synonyms
 on housework at the same
time
Use synonyms
. In the afternoon,
men
Use synonyms
 invested most of their
time
Use synonyms
 in television, whilst women consistently used a considerable amount of
time
Use synonyms
 to do household chores. Regarding the way unemployed
men
Use synonyms
 in the UK used their
time
Use synonyms
last
Linking Words
 year, it is easily indicated that
job
Use synonyms
 hunting, shopping and doing housework were
three
Correct article usage
the three
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activities
Use synonyms
 that jobless
men
Use synonyms
 spent their
time
Use synonyms
 on most, with 22%, 20%, and 19%, respectively. Those were followed by gardening with 14%, doubling that of decorating. To other
activities
Use synonyms
, they only allocated from 2% to 8% of their total
time
Use synonyms
 to them.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it seems that women spent
a
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half of their total
time
Use synonyms
 in the morning doing household chores, followed by shopping with 26%.
Job
Use synonyms
 hunting and visiting friends and relatives account for 16% and 10%
in
Change preposition
of
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 their morning, respectively,
whereas
Linking Words
 other
activities
Use synonyms
 only made up minor percentages of their
time
Use synonyms
. Watching television was the most popular activity for unoccupied
men
Use synonyms
 in the afternoon since they spent 14% of their
time
Use synonyms
 on it, followed by gardening,
visting
Correct your spelling
visiting
 friends and relatives, and
job
Use synonyms
 hunting, correspondingly. The rest of
Use synonyms
activities
Correct article usage
the activities
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 only account for
from
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apply
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3% to 9% of their
time
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
, unemployed females in
this
Linking Words
 country still
expended
Verb problem
spend
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 up to 21% of their
time
Use synonyms
 on housework in the afternoon, followed by shopping and
visting
Correct your spelling
visiting
 relatives and friends. More noticeably, 0% of their
time
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 for staying in bed and playing
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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, and only 1% to just over 10% of their
time
Use synonyms
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
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 invested to do other
activities
Use synonyms
.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Common mistake: Your writing should be 150-250 words.
Vocabulary: Replace the words time, men, job, activities with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 2 times.
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