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Band 5

nothin Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge and experience. Write at least 250 words.

#nothin
Many
countries
 force young
people
 to serve in the military with some
people
 suggesting that
this
 should
be extend
Change the verb form
be extended
show examples
 to all
countries
 and possibly for both sexes. I would argue that
although
 military
service
 is helpful for some it may not be a good idea for everybody. One
argumentin
Correct your spelling
argument in
argument
 favour of universal military
service
 is that it will increase the skills of young
people
. They will be
force
Change the form of the verb
forced
show examples
 to face challenges and see the benefits of discipline and training.
People
 in favour
also
 argue that it would help stop young
people
 doing crime which is
growing
Correct article usage
a growing
show examples
 problem in many
countries
.
On the other hand
, critics argue that it leads to more violence for the youth and that not all
countries
 need to have so many
people
 in the army.
Furthermore
Add a comma
Furthermore,
show examples
 the cost of maintaining
such
 a large number of
people
 would be huge.
Finally
, they say it is
unappropriate
Correct your spelling
inappropriate
show examples
 to make peaceful
people
to
Change the verb form
apply
show examples
go to the military. There are alternatives to military
service
. 
Instead
Add a comma
Instead,
show examples
 young
people
 could take part in community
service
 programmes after leaving school.
This
 would help to develop young
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 skills
while
 they are improving the community where they are living. Some
people
 may
also
 argue that
this
 would be more suitable for both men and women.
To conclude
,
while
 military
service
 does have clear benefits there are
also
 some negative aspects related to
force
Wrong verb form
forcing
show examples
people
 to serve in the armed forces.
For
this
 reason, I would argue that there are other ways of developing young
people
’s skills.
Submitted by Nghỉ hè vui vẻ cả nhà on

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task achievement
Consider including specific examples to strengthen your points. This would provide more concrete evidence and help illustrate your arguments more effectively.
grammar and vocabulary
Be careful with grammar and spelling mistakes, such as 'argumentin' instead of 'argument in' and 'force' instead of 'forced'. These can detract from the overall clarity of your essay.
coherence and cohesion
Use more transitional phrases and conjunctions to ensure smooth flow between ideas and paragraphs. This will improve overall coherence and make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps in maintaining a logical flow of ideas.
task achievement
You have addressed the question well, presenting both sides of the argument and including a personal opinion in the conclusion.
task achievement
The main points are well-supported and relevant to the discussion on compulsory military service.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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