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Band 3

Some people think high school graduates should travel or work for a period of time instead of going directly to study at university.Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of both approaches.Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowlegde or experience

#people #school #graduates #travel #work #period #time #study #university #approaches #knowlegde
Nowadays citizens have an opinion that high school
graduates
 have to work or travel first rather than going to university.
This
 essay will give both perspectives on
benefits
Correct article usage
the benefits
show examples
 and drawbacks of
this
 statement.
To begin
 with, there are enormous advantages to
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 or
travel
Wrong verb form
travelling
show examples
 after
graduates
Wrong verb form
graduating
show examples
.
People
 will get some experience in the office
such
 as how to communicate with peers, able to manage projects, and
also
 create some decks. Another example of travel may
also
 have a positive impact.
For instance
, in many countries, there are some
programs
 that provide
graduates
people
such
 as leadership
programs
, cultural
programs
, and so on.
Thus
, many experiences will be gained from working and
traveling
Change the spelling
travelling
show examples
 before continuing the study.
On the other hand
, there are
also
 some drawbacks. Fresh
graduates
 with minimum experience absolutely get lower salaries compared to post-graduate students. A Lecturer from Harvard Business School, namely Prof. John made a report about the salary for
graduates
people
. The result shows that 80% of undergraduate
programs
 will start from the entry level.
This
 report indicates that
people
 starting from
entry level
Add a hyphen
entry-level
show examples
 will be getting lower wages rather than postgraduate or doctoral. In conclusion, there are some advantages to
travelingtravel
Correct your spelling
travelling
 and
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 first
such
 as having experience, getting a leadership program, etc.
In contrast
, a lower salary is a disadvantage for
people
 who start the job after graduation.
Submitted by rifki.lufthansa on

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task achievement
The introduction briefly introduces the topic but could be slightly more focused. Consider rephrasing it to clearly state that you will discuss both the advantages and disadvantages of taking a gap period before university and ultimately provide a balanced view.
task achievement
There are some good points made, but the ideas need further development. Provide more specific examples and elaborate on them to strengthen your arguments. For instance, you mentioned leadership programs but did not delve deeply into what they entail or how they benefit graduates.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph should revolve around a single main idea, and there needs to be a clearer logical flow between sentences and paragraphs. Consider using linking words and phrases to enhance the cohesion (e.g., 'Furthermore,' 'However,' 'In addition,').
coherence cohesion
Some ideas in the paragraphs are not fully developed or connected. Make sure every argument is clearly explained and supported. For instance, instead of jumping from working experiences to travel experiences abruptly, use transitional sentences to maintain coherence.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps structure the response.
task achievement
The main points are relevant to the topic, addressing both the advantages and disadvantages of working or traveling before university.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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