IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people believe that reading stories from a book is more beneficial for children compared to watching TV or playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #stories #book #children #tv #computer #games
In the present world, there are many types of learning materials. Even though some
children
 enjoy reading
books
, some of them prefer learning from animation. It is disagreed that reading stories from a book
brings
Verb problem
is
show examples
 more beneficial to
kids
,
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 with watching
TV
 or playing computer
games
,
described
Correct word choice
as described
show examples
 in the following paragraphs.
Tp
Correct your spelling
To
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 begin with,
children
defenately
Correct your spelling
definitely
 earn benefits from
books
such
 as improving reading skills,
Correct word choice
and learn
show examples
learn
Wrong verb form
learning
show examples
Correct article usage
the alphabets
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alphabets
Fix the agreement mistake
alphabet
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 and
books
 are safer for
kids
. To illustrate, parents can rely on the
kid
Fix the agreement mistake
kids
show examples
books
 because
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 genre of book
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
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 approved
that
Change preposition
to
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 it safe for each
age-group
Correct your spelling
age group
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 of
children
.
In
Change preposition
On
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contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
show examples
, the
kids
 might feel bored from reading
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
book
Fix the agreement mistake
books
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 which not up to date and
untempted
Add a missing verb
have untempted
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 stories compared to watching
TV
 or playing
games
. Even though not all
the
Correct article usage
apply
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TV
 programs or
games
 are safe for
kids
, monitoring and choosing the appropriate programs by parents can solve
this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 concerns.
Following
this
,
children
 will inquire
some
Change preposition
about some
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 positive influences
such
 as improving multiple skills both listening
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
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 and speaking
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 by mimicking their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
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 characters.
Moreover
, playing
games
also
 gain
the
Correct article usage
apply
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problem solving
Add a hyphen
problem-solving
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 skills and encourage
children
 to think beyond using
imaginations
Fix the agreement mistake
imagination
show examples
 and
logics
Fix the agreement mistake
logic
show examples
.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
kids
 who play
games
 are far better
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 managing the
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 in life
that
Correct word choice
than
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who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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doesn’t
Correct subject-verb agreement
don’t
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 handle
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
problems.
To conclude
, watching
TV
 or playing
games
 in
moderate
Replace the word
moderation
show examples
 gain more beneficial for
children
, yet not all genres suit
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all
kids
.
Thus
, parents should play
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important role in order to limit the
screen-time
Correct your spelling
screen time
show examples
 and filter the program for their
kids
.
Submitted by pnakasont on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, but the main body paragraphs need clearer topic sentences and more logical progression. Work on explicitly linking ideas and arguments within and between paragraphs.
Task Achievement
While you address both sides of the argument, ensure you're consistently clear and comprehensive in expressing your points. Strengthen your argument by including specific examples and elaborating on them. This will make your essay more persuasive and grounded.
Task Achievement
Ensure that all aspects of the essay question are fully addressed. For instance, examples specific to how reading books, watching TV, and playing video games can impact children’s development could strengthen your argument. Your examples need to support the key points you are making.
Introduction
Your introduction sets the stage well by presenting both sides of the argument, which is important for a balanced discussion.
Balanced Argument
You do a good job of considering multiple perspectives, such as the benefits of both reading and engaging with multimedia.
Conclusion
Your essay concludes by summarizing your main points, providing a clear ending to your discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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