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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people believe that reading stories from a book is more beneficial for children compared to watching TV or playing computer games. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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In the present world, there are many types of learning materials. Even though some
children
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 enjoy reading
books
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, some of them prefer learning from animation. It is disagreed that reading stories from a book
brings
Verb problem
is
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 more beneficial to
kids
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,
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 with watching
TV
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 or playing computer
games
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,
described
Correct word choice
as described
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 in the following paragraphs.
Tp
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To
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 begin with,
children
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defenately
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definitely
 earn benefits from
books
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such
Linking Words
 as improving reading skills,
Correct word choice
and learn
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learn
Wrong verb form
learning
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Correct article usage
the alphabets
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alphabets
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alphabet
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 and
books
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 are safer for
kids
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. To illustrate, parents can rely on the
kid
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kids
show examples
books
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 because
of
Change preposition
apply
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this
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 genre of book
are
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is
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 approved
that
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to
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 it safe for each
age-group
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age group
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 of
children
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.
In
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On
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contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
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, the
kids
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 might feel bored from reading
the
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apply
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book
Fix the agreement mistake
books
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 which not up to date and
untempted
Add a missing verb
have untempted
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 stories compared to watching
TV
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 or playing
games
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. Even though not all
the
Correct article usage
apply
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TV
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 programs or
games
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 are safe for
kids
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, monitoring and choosing the appropriate programs by parents can solve
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this
Correct determiner usage
these
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 concerns.
Following
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this
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,
children
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 will inquire
some
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about some
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 positive influences
such
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 as improving multiple skills both listening
skill
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skills
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 and speaking
skill
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skills
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 by mimicking their
favorite
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favourite
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 characters.
Moreover
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, playing
games
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also
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 gain
the
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apply
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problem solving
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problem-solving
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 skills and encourage
children
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 to think beyond using
imaginations
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imagination
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 and
logics
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logic
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.
For example
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,
the
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apply
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kids
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 who play
games
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 are far better
in
Change preposition
at
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 managing the
problem
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problems
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 in life
that
Correct word choice
than
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who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
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doesn’t
Correct subject-verb agreement
don’t
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 handle
the
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apply
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problems.
To conclude
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, watching
TV
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 or playing
games
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 in
moderate
Replace the word
moderation
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 gain more beneficial for
children
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, yet not all genres suit
for
Change preposition
apply
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all
kids
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.
Thus
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, parents should play
the
Correct article usage
an
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 important role in order to limit the
screen-time
Correct your spelling
screen time
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 and filter the program for their
kids
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.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, but the main body paragraphs need clearer topic sentences and more logical progression. Work on explicitly linking ideas and arguments within and between paragraphs.
Task Achievement
While you address both sides of the argument, ensure you're consistently clear and comprehensive in expressing your points. Strengthen your argument by including specific examples and elaborating on them. This will make your essay more persuasive and grounded.
Task Achievement
Ensure that all aspects of the essay question are fully addressed. For instance, examples specific to how reading books, watching TV, and playing video games can impact children’s development could strengthen your argument. Your examples need to support the key points you are making.
Introduction
Your introduction sets the stage well by presenting both sides of the argument, which is important for a balanced discussion.
Balanced Argument
You do a good job of considering multiple perspectives, such as the benefits of both reading and engaging with multimedia.
Conclusion
Your essay concludes by summarizing your main points, providing a clear ending to your discussion.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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