IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people say that large companies should provide sports and social facilities for local communities. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this view?

#people #companies #sports #facilities #communities
It is a common belief that sports
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
 and social buildings for local communities should be established by large
companies
 . I wholeheartedly disagree with
this
 opinion
due to
 two main reasons, that it is the
governmental
Replace the word
government
show examples
 responsibility and the company should
use
this
money
 to develop related
companies
.
Firstly
, building social facilities is the responsibility of the government because everyone has to pay personal income tax and much other
money
 for the state yearly to develop their countries and social welfare.
In other words
, the state has to take responsibility for the
money
 of residents and
use
 that
money
 reasonably,
such
 as
centers
Change the spelling
centres
show examples
, sports, hospitals , schools and parks.
Similarly
, the corporation pays a huge tax so they do not need to appropriate a large sum of
money
 for local communities.
On the other hand
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
large
companies
 necessarily
use
 their
money
 for business or other related aspects . Because almost all social facilities are of a high rank.
Instead
 of using a lot of
money
 for the unnecessary, the company can
use
this
money
 to increase
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
 or reward
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
outstanding
laborers
Change the spelling
labourers
show examples
.
This
 helps promote
hard -working
Correct your spelling
hard-working
show examples
 staff and bring higher value
at
Change preposition
to
show examples
 work and from there
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
develop the group. Employer life
also
 improves
due to
 their dedication. In conclusion, I voice the opinion that promoting social development and sports in local areas should not be made by
companies
 and
companies
 should
use
 that
money
 in a reasonable job to develop their business.
Submitted by huyentrang712 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your arguments. For instance, you can mention specific taxes or social facilities funded by the government that illustrate your point.
task achievement
Clarify your points more comprehensively. Some sentences are somewhat vague and could use more detail to make them clearer and stronger.
coherence cohesion
Make sure to use transitions smoothly between paragraphs and ideas. This will help in making your essay more coherent and easier to follow.
coherence cohesion
The introduction clearly states your position and briefly outlines the reasons for it, which is a strong start.
coherence cohesion
You have included both an introduction and a conclusion, which help frame your essay well.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a logical structure, with each main point clearly separated into different paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: